What I’ve Been Up To on Instagram

What I’ve Been Up To on Instagram

As per usual, I haven’t been up to anything, which I duly documented on Instagram. If you’re interested in how you can document nothing, scroll down to see the thing which is nothing.

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Feb 19: I had my haircut and the hairdresser wrapped me in a burka. 
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Feb 20: You know you’re old when you start drinking decaf. The abomination.
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Feb 21: It’s Wednesday! It’s bin takeout day! My life is filled with exciting events. Not.
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Feb 22: I’m pleased the cat likes her play box but I wish I didn’t have bits of cardboard strewn all over the place.
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Feb 23: The cat is the best anyway.
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Feb 24: A different slant of light created by a water of glass just sitting there on the table.
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Feb 25: My business trip begins. More on that later. When I recover from the trauma.
A Week on Instagram, Where Nothing Happened

A Week on Instagram, Where Nothing Happened

I’m worried about myself. I sort of pledged to myself that I wouldn’t be doing any 365 challenge crap ever again but that’s exactly what I appear to be doing. Fortunately, there were no witnesses to my pledge, and dead men tell no lies the cat doesn’t talk. So here’s another week’s worth of a photo a day on my Instagram.

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12 Feb: Based on this post, it looks like I’ve been somewhere. But where the fuck? That much to my idea of taking a photo a day lest I forget. Instead, notice the cute yellow circle in the picture, perhaps the remainder of a manhole.
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13 Feb: I took a picture of my key collection. I’m not sure what all these are good for, presumably nothing. In fact, I only need a total of three keys. It’s not like I’m a key master.
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14 Feb: Scratch that. I totally am a key master. The post of the janitor comes bundled with a manual on what to do in case of fire (I haven’t read it yet—neither do I intend to) and with an array of keys. Make your pick.
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15 Feb: My cat hates me. Should I still have any doubts about this, she gave me this cold stare when I was going aww at her. Zip it up, human.
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16 Feb: Normal people go to a pub on Fridays, mental people colour mandalas. I recommend you stick to the pub.
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17 Feb: The highlight of the day was the flawless perfection which I achieved when bagging my groceries. That’s Tetris OCD-style. I doubt that there are many people who reach this level of professionalism in tetris for grown-ups.
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18 Feb: My life couldn’t possibly get better. I got a super cute case for my beloved phone, on which said phone thought it a great idea to start dying on me. Note to self: be aware that no phone lasts more than two years because that’s how the fucking things work these days.

 

My Week in Instagram Pictures

My Week in Instagram Pictures

Last week has been uneventful, much as my entire life. Thanks the universe for that. I hate everything but eventfulness especially. I have captured each non-event of each uneventful day in one non-picture.

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5 Feb: My cactus colony is dying on me. It’s a minor miracle that I’m managing to keep the cat, a life form superior to plants, alive. 
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6 Feb: I went out. To get smokes. It was very exciting because there are new pictures on cigarette packets! This ad for clogged arteries is particularly attractive. The imagery is supposed to discourage me from smoking, but sadly, I enjoy the art, so not happening.
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7 Feb: When you think the bloody winter is about to be over and the snow thinks otherwise. 
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8 Feb: That’s my balcony chair. Clearly, I never clean it. I converted it into an art installation.
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9 Feb: The day when a radiator burst and flooded the building. This was taken when I was pressurising the boiler, unaware that it’s sending all the water down into the cellar, creating an impromptu swimming opportunity.
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10 Feb: Freezing as per usual. No amount of thermal wear helps. Please notice, however, that my fleece shirt is colour-coordinated with my knitted socks. And my nails are colour-coordinated with my outdoor thermal pants. Which I wear indoors. 
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11 Feb: I did my nails! What an event! And I did them wonderfully. I love the jaundiced yellow, the bloody red and the deathly black. 
More Instagram Crap

More Instagram Crap

I do crap. Because I can. I mean, because I can’t. Can’t do better, that is. Since you appear not to hate my Instagram-to-WordPress reposts enough, you have condemned yourselves to another week’s worth of instant snaps. One day, one snap. Each snap is crap with an even crappier story to go with it. Here’s proof.

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29 Jan: I went on an adventure. To Tesco. I met this lost and lonely hairpin, symbolical of my dead and discarded dreams and hopes, and it was so moving. So moving that I snapped this and moved on. 
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30 Jan: There was an actual sunset, which means that there was an actual sun out during the day. Whew. It gave me a fright. I already forgot what sun was and mistook it for fire.
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31 Jan: You wouldn’t fucking believe it. I know I didn’t. A month later, I actually unpacked my new yoga mat and started using it. Once I hopped on it, I started to hate myself for having waited so long to break it in. It’s all kinds of awesome. 
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1 Feb: Today, nothing happened. Except I ventured in front of the building to take the dust bin out for the dustmen. Dustpeople. Let’s be gender correct. Or dustentities. In case the council employs not-people too. 
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Feb 2: I painted my nails. I thought the colours would stand out best in monochrome. Duh. They’re black anyway, with one nail tentatively yellow. I’m a wasp. 
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3 Feb: The cat is shedding like her survival depended on it. I can’t even drink coffee these days without swallowing and then coughing up a furball. Cat hair everyfuckingwhere.
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4 Feb: I got up. Got dressed. Painted my face. Did my hair. It was so awesome. I mean, it was a bloody bother, but I was surprised to find myself comparatively pretty after like a two-hour prettifying procedure. And I didn’t even go on a date.

 

A Snap a Day Non-challenge

A Snap a Day Non-challenge

My reblogs of my own Instagram snaps seem to be among the posts which you hate the least, so I’m continuing with this non-challenge and presenting another week’s worth of crappy snappy shit (I know that this dubious phrase makes no sense, but that’s suitable for a non-challenge).

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Jan 22: Went to Tesco. Was colour-coordinated. That’s how exciting my life is.
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Jan 23: It’s fucking freezing and I don’t understand how the water hasn’t turned into ice. The world is not what it used to be. 
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Jan 24: My old yoga mat is disintegrating and disgusting. I bought a new one. I haven’t used it yet. I have this curious mental block which doesn’t prevent me from buying new things but does prevent me from using them. What the actual fuck. Sorry for the swearing but it’s spot on here.
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Jan 25: I’ve been waiting in vain for my ballots for presidential elections. Nothing arrived and then I was told that this time I’d be getting ballots on the spot. Which I did. I could’ve spared myself the trip, the wrong candidate won. 
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Jan 26: Proof that I bothered to go voting. Never again. See above. A nice walk though. 
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Jan 27: My anxiety levels are breaking records and I’m unsuccessfully trying to counter with meditation. Nice try.
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Jan 28: I had this obsessive thought that there was a gas or water leak, so I descended in the cellar of the building to examine. Thanks for the trip, anxiety. Nothing is leaking anywhere. So, good news, I guess. I need to go check again though.

 

My Week on Instagram

My Week on Instagram

Hey, I have some crappy photos on my Instagram, so why not slap them here? (That was a rhetorical question.) Each photo represents one day in the last week. (Be advised that I have no life, hence my photos are no photos.) For explanations, even duller than the photos, see captions.

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15 Jan: A business trip. A photo that says more than thousand words nothing but proves that I rose to the occasion, got up and got dressed. Also, see my nails. I didn’t #wakeuplikedis, I had to paint them. Extra effort.
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16 Jan: The first proper snow of this winter came in the week when it was my turn on the building’s chore wheel. Convenient. Not. I probably should’ve shovelled the shit but, instead, I waited a few days for it to thaw. Problem solved.
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17 Jan: I found neither peace nor anything else during my meditation, however, I still have painted nails and these cute yoga pants on top of it. 
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18 Jan: Breaking in a new candle. It smells vaguely of mulled wine. Give me a candle anytime and I’ll burn the world down (the same when you give me mulled wine). I wonder if candle lovers are closeted pyromaniacs. 
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19 Jan: I must’ve been watching too much Breaking Bad because whenever I see a powdered substance, I want to snort it. Also, this is magnesium and I swear it’s the best placebo I’ve ever had because it helps me shake less when I’m anxious. Which is all the time, duh.
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20 Jan: The ultimate cat box. A perfect fit for your cat. Order a yoga mat now and receive your gratis cat box! A fun note: I haven’t tried my new yoga mat yet and am still using the old one because I believe I don’t deserve nice things. Yeah, I know.  
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21 Jan: The fucking chore wheel has been haunting me all week. Sunday looked like the deadline for cleaning the building. So I was sweeping cigarette butts (not my own), stray tinsel (not my own) and dead tree needles (not my own). It’s not like I have to dispose of dead bodies, I don’t know why I hate doing this so intensely. 
7 More Days, 7 More Instagram Snaps

7 More Days, 7 More Instagram Snaps

I’m continuing in my non-challenge of taking and posting a non-photo on Instagram every day. I still haven’t figured out what I’m trying to achieve, but I have patience enough, so I’ll just wait and see what becomes. While we’re all waiting for me to figure out what I’m up to, here are seven more photos covering seven more days.

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8 Jan: I’ve been fascinated with balls recently. Especially fluffy balls. And colourful balls. Bonus for soft balls. I must ask the ghost of Freud what that means.
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9 Jan: Balls!! The cat got a new toy ball. She’s nonplussed. Never mind, I like to play with balls. And step on them in the dark because there are 10+ cat toys strategically placed around the flat. Ostensibly for the cat to play with, but, see above, she doesn’t care. So home decoration it is.
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10 Jan: In case there was any doubt, I have a crotch. It’s hard to take a selfie when you don’t want to capture your face. So I figure the crotch is a pretty neutral subject. 
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11 Jan: I made myself tea with slivovitz and, much to my alarm, discovered Apple product placement in the tea. They’re everywhere, trying to get me. But they won’t because I’m paranoid. Which doesn’t negate the fact that they’re after me.
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12 Jan: This cute piece of graffiti says motherfuckers in the local language. I think it’s very cheerful and uplifting, though I didn’t confirm with the owner of this wall. 
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13 Jan: I was playing around with JavaScript. I didn’t achieve anything, but it’s kind of nice to know that you can write a JS object, should your life depend on it one day. You know, like the day when the computers take over the world.
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14 Jan: The cat is either incredibly stupid or incredibly bold because she attempted to join me in the shower.  Don’t even ask what I was doing with my phone in the shower. (I take it everywhere, so.)

 

7 Days, 7 Instagram Snaps

7 Days, 7 Instagram Snaps

I’ve been diligently taking a photo a day since the beginning of the year. It’s not like I’m doing a 365 Project. I’ve completed two and abandoned one two thirds along the way. It’s rather that I have no idea what I’m doing and I keep on posting it on Instagram.

Scroll down to view the evidence and read my elaborate photo descriptions. Or don’t, I’m not telling you what to do. I would, but no one listens to me, so I won’t. Or will I? I have decision paralysis, so decide on my behalf. Problem solved. Or not.

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1 January: Went to see fireworks. Was so foggy that I couldn’t see where I was going, not to mention the fireworks. The fog-amplified noise nearly gave me an epileptic attack. I’m not even epileptic.
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2 January: I’m trying to read. That would be commendable, except it’s so boring I mostly just fiddle with the Kindle app, which has a Dic(k)tionary. I don’t know how I managed to graduate as a Literature Major.
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3 January: I went to the post office but I can’t remember what I wanted there. That much to documenting my life so I could remember what the fuck I was up to. Probably nothing as per usual.
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4 January: My new yoga mat arrived. I ordered it specifically because of the box, which is cat-sized. Kidding. Kind of. The cat however approves, and she’s the queen.
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5 January: That was a bad idea. I okayed Windows Update and had to take a day off because my Windows couldn’t even. After crunching for half an hour, Windows presented me with this. You know what. FY.
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6 January: I was asked to get drunk and send nudes. I did get drunk. Nothing said.
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7 January: Got a hangover, couldn’t stand sharp light, used a candle. I can do candles. Anytime. Also, none of this is true. Maybe. You wouldn’t know.
Toning Down the False Cheer

Toning Down the False Cheer

I went out shooting for a bit today. There’s chronically nothing to shoot around. So I made do with the seasonal enhancements to the village square. I deliberately toned down the bright colours and cheeky glitter in some parts of the photos. To me, this is a more appropriate representation of the season than the false cheer that one is force-fed.

I perceive Christmas as the epitome of falsitude. Whether we view it as an originally pagan or as a Christian celebration, people who are neither ancient pagans nor Christians celebrate it nowadays. I find this extremely puzzling. What I associate most with the season, besides false cheer, is obligation and duty misrepresented as affection and love.

Also, there is seasonal anxiety, pressure, vague disappointment, gnawing aimlessness, deeply felt loneliness, fear of the new year, regrets about the old year, unfulfilment and all that is crap. Along these lines, here are my crappy photos.

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Remembering Autumn (R.I.P.)

Autumn is dead. Here are mugshots for its tombstone. It was back in October when one could still go out without risking death of exposure. Oh well. One more reason not to go out.