I’m Typing This with My Tongue

You clicked this only to find out how to type with your tongue, right? As it goes in life, you’ll be disappointed. Tongue typing is only for experts and cripples. If you’re not one (or both/either/neither), I suggest you try typing with your toes first. But I’m no expert. I’m a cripple.

It started with the commendable resolution to do one housekeeping item each day. To kick off (and simultaneously terminate) my project, I began cleaning the bathroom tiles from glue.

You know these self-adhesive bathroom hooks? Those little shits that aren’t really adhesive at all? So when they peel off from your tiles under the weight of air again, I recommend you don’t scrape the bits of adhesive stuck on the tiles with your finger. I learned the hard way.

I cleaned the tiles pristine, that I got to owe to myself, except soon after the act, I discovered a huge blister on the top of my scraping finger. The blister I wouldn’t mind, but it turned out to be highly annoying when typing and mouse-clicking. Also, this irregular growth of a blister irks my OCD insanely.

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Serving suggestion

Cut to the next day. I added a crippled arm to my crippled finger. That escalated quickly, right? This time, however, I didn’t do it to myself but had it done to myself. That’s called delegating. I got a new tattoo on my upper arm, which resulted in a loss of function for a few hours.

You know, they plaster a fresh tattoo with some plastic film to protect it. My tattoo guy doesn’t fuck around, so he fixed the film with some duct tape. It was inopportune that he taped my arm to the position of the robot dance. You got the image. Well, I guess it could’ve been worse, I could’ve ended up sieg-heiling for all I know.

My arm is fine now, thanks for asking, except the healing process is in the itchy stage, so I’m jerking around and looking like I’m having an epileptic seizure. My blister isn’t better at all, and how long the actual fuck does it even take for a blister to go away? Sorry for the fucks, by the way. But I maintain that expletives are an essential part of the language.

I put these fancy plasters on the blister. I hate the thing popping out of my finger, and the plaster flattens it, so. Have you ever tried putting a plaster on the top of your finger though? Or rather, have you ever tried keeping a plaster on the top of your finger? Don’t try. It’s impossible. You need a special plaster for that.

It’s made of silicone (or something) and, unlike bathroom hooks, it’s super adhesive. It’s so adhesive that when you want to remove it, you have to cut it off. Which is, as you would expect, where my (so far) last injury comes in. I was cutting the plaster with my sharpest scissors and, naturally, I cut myself in the same finger. So I had something proper to put plaster on. And that’s how come I’m typing with my tongue now.

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Author: Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

13 thoughts

  1. I don’t understand what you mean by Plasters. If this is what I call a Blood Blister (self explanatory), pop it with a very Sterile item. Use H2o2 straight away to keep the wound sterile. Apply an OTC antibacterial then wrap the digit with with a Bandaid or something. Perhaps Gauze. ❀️

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    1. Wait, no! I was a girl scout and we were taught that you never ever should pierce a blister! I forgot why. Anyway. I don’t know where I got the word “plaster”, but that’s what you call “bandaid” in my book πŸ˜‰

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  2. Oh dear, what a litany of wounds. You better watch out your tongue is not the next victim. On the note of removing that horrid sticky stuff – eucalyptus oil takes it off like magic. No blisters! And it smells nice. And is antibacterial, antiviral etc etc/ Just let it soak for a bit. And on the note of plasters in awkward places, you can make one that works a treat. If you have a roll of plaster cut a piece that is long enough to cover the finger and down both sides enough for it to stay put. Then cut a semicircle on either side – so it ends up H-shapish. Put the crossbar of the H over the finger tip and then simply stick the rest of it around. Easy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, eucalyptus oil! Thank you for this tip, I actually have a tiny bottle of this at home. I hear it’s good for burns and such.

      You’re a trained nurse? I’ve seen this way of cutting plaster before but I didn’t realise it had a purpose. I thought it was just fancy πŸ˜‰

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      1. DON’T put eucalyptus on burns!!! Instead use orgainic, pure lavender. Make sure it is not lavendin, as that will burn.
        Yes, I am a nurse. And it is a very practical tip to keep in mind for any difficult spots where you need a plaster.

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        1. What? No eucalyptus on burns? My world just fell apart…

          Though actually, I have what’s called tea tree oil, and that’s what I put on burns. I thought it was eucalyptus but I don’t know now.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Totally dfferent! But TT oil is good for wounds – antiseptic. Zits too if you happen to have any πŸ™‚ But eucalyptus on burns will hurt – big time! I It smells very different too. Like a fresh gum tree forest πŸ™‚ best oil for burns is – you guessed it – Lavender

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