My First-Time Muffin

Do you remember the first time you ate a muffin? I do. I remember it like it was yesterday. Incidentally, it was yesterday. How come I’ve got so far and so old without ever chancing to eat a muffin? Dunno. I wish I had a profound explanation. I have no anti-muffin agenda though, it just never occurred to me to eat one.

I’m currently watching one of the most idiotic TV shows ever done, Scrubs, and leaving aside my poor judgement and taste, there is one character who is always eating muffins. We all know how persistent advertising works, so it’s no surprise that I soon became obsessed with muffins. My obsession culminated to the point when I actively desired to eat one and, the advertiser’s dream, I took action to procure it.

Please note that we’re not talking euphemisms here. By muffin, I mean muffin. I got myself one in Tesco. It was unreasonably expensive, for a muffin, though I wouldn’t know, having never noticed that they even sell this shit before. I carried my muffin home, asphyxiating it tightly wrapped in one of those anti-nature plastic bags.

IMG_20180607_170732
Not a muffin

There, I set my muffin on a plate and commenced examining it visually. It was labelled as a chocolate muffin, hence it was nicely dark brown, but you never know whether it’s brown because it’s chocolate or because it’s artificial colouring and flavouring. I was pretty puzzled by the muffin sitting with its bottom stuck in whatyoumaycallit, baking cup? Another of these anti-nature wrappings, but paper, not plastic.

I got so many questions. Why is it called muffin in the first place? Because it muffles whatever you’re saying when you have your mouth stuffed full of it? But then it would be mufflin, I guess. Also, is it soft or hard? Some things are indeed better hard, like Oreos, but I’d prefer this one soft. And is there something in the centre of this misshapen ball? Like, uhm, cream filling? And will it explode on my face? On this note of practical considerations, how the fuck are you supposed to eat this thing??

I dug an exploratory finger in the top of the muffin and behold, it’s soft and crumbly! It’s so soft and crumbly that I got crumbs in my keyboard. Damnit. It’s nice though. Very nice. Very chocolatey. Also, now that I’m observing the remains of a muffin which has just undergone a lobotomy, have you ever noticed that the muffin looks like a nuclear mushroom cloud? No? It totally does! Look at that shit properly the next time you eat a muffin. And for your information, the muffin was as empty inside as me.

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Author: Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

57 thoughts

  1. Muffins are delish! Mine are split already so it’s just tearing the pieces apart then toasting them. Or not. So many ways to dress a muffin up! Muffin is a very English word.

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      1. They come from the factory already cut most of the way through, so you just have to peel the pieces apart and drop them in your toaster.

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  2. I love to bake extra large muffins and freeze them–banana nut, blueberry, raspberry…. When I feel in the mood for one for breakfast, I take it out of the freezer the night before–totally delish!
    Did you know they also sell muffin tops? Yup. For people who only like…the top of the muffin. You have entered a whole ‘nother dimension, Mara!

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          1. it gets better–McDonald’s (that icon of ‘fine dining’–take-out style) is going to sell muffin tops! A visit to America might be in your future, Mara…. πŸ˜€

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    1. Cornmeal muffins? Now this sounds something I’d like to try! Except I don’t think I can get my hands at such fancy stuff where I live. We have different kinds of staple pastry here.

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  3. Life is full of new experiences, some unexpected, some planned…All I recall about my first muffin is my mouth exploding with delight as my taste buds danced uncontrollably. There is an art to making them I discovered. If you kneed them too much they turn out very rubbery so the trick is to not kneed too much, but just enough, I am working on the balance.

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    1. Ooh, that’s exactly it! It’s amazing that you remember your first muffin, but you clearly do, that was pretty much my experience too. Surprisingly delightful for a funny brown misshapen ball.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Starbucks is another experience I have yet to cross off my bucket list. It doesn’t help that there are like three Starbucks altogether in my country, none of them near where I live. Muffins are awesome though. I’m in love.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I also wondered how to eat a muffin. It is so easy to get muffin crumbs everywhere. Also, muffins and cupcakes can be similar, and cupcakes tend to be on the smaller side. I actually prefer cupcakes to be honest… Cake makes you feel so much better even if it’s a small piece.

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    1. Exactly! How do you eat a muffin when it’s basically a round thing and you have no clear idea where to begin from? They should come with instructions. And cupcakes? Damn it, I’ve never had a cupcake either. I need to get hold of one. Or two.

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  5. Better late than never! Although pretty sure you’d have an even better experience at it were you to buy muffins at the bakery instead of Tesco… I will look at muffins differently now that I’ve read you… πŸ˜‰

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    1. Ah, it didn’t occur to me to try the bakery! Muffins aren’t standard sweets here, I was honestly surprised I was able to get one in my small town. I’ll need to go and check out whether there is an enlightened bakery selling muffins πŸ™‚

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  6. Β«Top of the muffin to ya!Β» If you’d ever watched Seinfeld you’d know about muffin tops and muffin stumps.

    I love muffins too … especially blueberry or other berry mixtures, but lemon muffins are good. They are larger here than back home [like most other things]. I don’t bake, so I buy them in the grocery store — they’re always fresh.

    Funny how it takes such long time to try something … I was 45 when I had broccoli. That’s not true … I was 45 when I started to LOVE broccoli. I’d had it once before in my life and decided I hated it.

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    1. Thank you for telling me I’m not the only weirdo who hasn’t tasted basic food items until late in life. Much to my relief, I’ve tasted broccoli in my teenage years and I even got used to the weird taste eventually. Now I need to eat a cupcake. Haven’t had this one yet either.

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  7. I’m pretty sure what you described was a cupcake, not a muffin. Muffins are less sweet than a cupcake, and they sometimes can even be savoury. Muffins are often marketed as being healthy (or as breakfast food) because they contain β€œhealthy” ingredients. A cupcake usually has frosting, but I think your cream filled centre would qualify as a frosting equivalent.

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    1. What? Muffins are healthy?? Haha. It’s like fast food is healthy. sigh The things people believe… I’m now completely puzzled as to what I have even eaten, but suffice to say I loved it and want more.

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  8. I never tried a muffin until I hot my forties. It surprised me; I’d read novels in which 19th century university students toasted muffins over an open fire, so I thought they’d be more like crumpets. Maybe they were back then, but now they are just cakes. I can’t imagine toasting a chocolate-chip muffin from Tesco over a fire. The chocolate would drip all over the flames.. I reckon what we buy these days are American muffins.

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    1. Ooh, thank you so much for telling me this! I felt somewhat like a loser for eating my first muffin (or whatever the heck it was) only so late in my life. I need to research this: what’s a muffin and what’s a cupcake and what else there is of this kind, and how to eat them — and where to get them! Because I loved what I had.

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      1. Cupcakes are over-priced chunks of fluff with too much icing. I’d go for a muffin every time, except that if I did that I wouldn’t have room for the food of the Gods – cheesecake.

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  9. I wonder what cheesecake is like in your part of the world?!

    Swedish cheesecake is something entirely different from the North American. Back home, cheesecake is something we could have for lunch.

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    1. We have American cheesecakes, imported; didn’t have anything like this before the Revolution and the Fall of the Iron Curtain. I thought it weird: cheese and cake? But then I tasted it and it was awesome!

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          1. All the packages are HUGE. We buy mostly stuff that you can store, like toilet paper and things like that. More importantly; smokes. Much cheaper.

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