Don’t be alarmed. I’m not really on the beach. Global warming didn’t escalate so quickly as to bring the ocean to Europe’s centre. Though I’d very much like it. I mean, apart from the fact that a bunch of countries would literally drown, I’d get to live on an island, and it would be the end of the world.

My mind is a scary place. That’s probably alright, since the world is a scary place. In an attempt to counter this, I am mindful as fuck. My mind is full of it. Full of crap, that is. My crappy mindfulness (or mindful crappiness) manifests itself at its best (worse) when I meditate. Again, don’t be alarmed. I don’t really meditate.

I practise an approximation of meditation. I’d like to say that it leads nowhere, but that’s not entirely true. It leads to scary places. Such as the beach. Let me explain (finally). I was trying this meditation with visualisation when you imagine yourself on the beach. It was awful. No, I don’t mean awesome. It was the worst, as you can see for yourself in said video below.

Imagine yourself alone on a secluded beach, it starts. Not with these exact words, I don’t remember how it starts, but that’s how I now imagine it starts. Obviously, this is the perfect scenario for a horror movie. Or a dystopian movie. Or a perfectly normal average movie as seen by my dystopian horror mind.

This meditation setting raises a number of disturbing questions. How am I on a beach? I’m not on holiday, I don’t do holidays because holidays are for losers (and rich people). Where is everyone? Has there been the end of the world (finally) and did I miss it because I don’t watch the news? Where’s the murderer (or, even worse, the mugger)? I say, murder me anytime (as long as it doesn’t hurt—too much) but don’t you dare to mug me (because priorities).

Imagine yourself walking on the beach blah blah blah. Okay. It’s getting weirder and weirder. Why would I walk on a beach? It doesn’t look like I’m going to get my groceries or anything. I’m certainly not taking a walk because come on, I don’t walk purposelessly, I’m not a stray kitten. Speaking of which, where the fuck is my cat? Seriously. This is terrifying. Not knowing where I am is one thing but not knowing where my cat is is another. And much worse.

DSC_0021

A random model beach

It’s not like I’m not trying to play along. I imagine myself walking on the beach, as per request. But, did I apply sunblock? Am I wearing my prescription glasses or sunglasses? If the former, it’s pretty hazardous because I’m light-sensitive, and if the latter, it’s pretty hazardous because I’m semi-blind. Also, where’s my purse? The guiding voice doesn’t mention a purse. How is aimless wandering without your keys and wallet (and your cat) supposed to be a relaxing visual?

I’m stumped. Wait. I’m told I’m carrying a beach towel under my arm. What is this shit, the hitchhiker’s guide to galaxy? I shouldn’t be carrying a beach towel because I don’t own a beach towel. I’m sure I wouldn’t buy it, duh, so did I steal it or what? I’m trying to imagine the incriminating evidence away but the big brother voice tells me to spread the towel on the sand and sit on it. Sigh.

Great. So I’m sitting on a dubious towel on the ground in the middle of nowhere. Now what? This is extremely unproductive. I’m being bored to the brink of my early demise. The video was supposed to be ten minutes but it’s been like ten hours already. Hey, guys, move on, I got stuff to do and bills to pay. I can’t be doing nothing. It’s killing me. I can’t even. I think I suck at this shit. The voice finally says I’m free to go and threatens that I can return to here anytime I need. Anytime I need to get more anxious? Okay, thanks.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

9 Comments

  1. Oh my gosh–this is why I cannot meditate. Everything that you said–yes, of course I would think those same things. Hold the breath. Do it again. What? You mean breathe? Mara–this was funny. I think I lasted 2.5 minutes….Here’s your beach towel…..

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    1. Ha! You have it the same? Great! I mean, not great, obviously, but I was wondering what was wrong with me, as people seem to enjoy this kind of meditations a lot. I can’t switch my brain off. Or maybe I’m too rational! I did last the whole time of the meditation though. It was a torture.

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  2. It would be so weird if you were on a beach! I personally like the beach but only go there two or three times a year just to soak up the sun. Really like how you question so many things when you allow yourself to sit in the quiet…it’s like everything and anything that can go wrong seems possible 😁😂

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    1. Thank you for validating my concerns in a way: it would be weird for me to be on a beach for sure! I just can’t imagine myself where I can’t reasonably be in real life. Not even for meditation purposes. I would like to go to a beach, if one was at hand, but I wouldn’t like to just sit and stare: I’d bring a book or my camera or something. And definitely my purse.

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  3. Lol!!! Great guide on how NOT to meditate 🙂

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    1. Yes, I sort of specialise in anti-guides 😀

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      1. You’re the expert 🙂

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  4. I find that these mindfulness exercises only really work for a certain type of person. I guess you call them type B personalities. Stressed type B’s, because normal type B’s are relaxed so they don’t need it. It’s for Type B’s who are having bad days. Type A’s don’t ever unwind, so what’s the point of trying, for them? I used to be a type B and I took an acting class where we did some minduflness and I loved it. Nowadays I couldn’t imagine sitting still for that long before exploding. Definitely there has been a shift.

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    1. I suspect you’re right. I’m always anxious and overthinking. I can for sure sit quietly and meditate, or attempt it, but I can’t make my mind stop from coming up with catastrophic scenarios. So I guess I won’t be doing this kind of visual meditations. It’s too stressful…

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