I cook every day. Still, I’m even worse than the worst cook ever. In cooking, I follow strict principles:

  • the dish must not require more than two ingredients
  • no more than two pots and one piece of kitchen utensil are allowed
  • it has to be done in under ten minutes

I usually end up with cooked frozen veggies and tofu.

I was feeling ambitious today, though, so I procured exotic ingredients to produce a shockingly complex meal. An omelette.

It involved eggs, bacon and onion. (This breaks the rule of maximum two ingredients.) It took half an hour to make. (This breaks the ten-minutes-tops rule.) I had to dust off a plethora of kitchen utensils I own just so but never use. (This breaks the two pots/utensils rule.)

In short, I wasn’t recognising myself. I forgive myself though for I did not know what I was doing. (Literally.)

IMG_20180107_194853-01

Guess what! An omelette.

I needed to Google the recipe. Why, no, I don’t really know how to make an omelette. The recipe called for a pan, but fuck that, I don’t keep such devilish devices at home. So a pot it is instead. The instructions demanded that I beat the eggs. What? I’m pacifist, I don’t beat anything. I compromised though and massaged the eggs for a bit in a mug with a fork. That’ll do.

I was also peeling and cutting an onion. I couldn’t believe what was happening. It was seriously surreal. Onions might be nice, but they’re optional and I don’t remember ever going for the option. (It goes against all that my minimalist cooking code represents.) I was trying to make small cubes from half an onion, alas, I somehow ended up with thick crescent-shaped slices. Whatever.

I vaguely remembered from my random observations of people cooking that you put the onion in first. Which I did. It well quite well to start with. Then I put in the bacon and poured the eggs over it. Only then did I attempt to add salt and pepper, which turned out to be a bit late because it didn’t mix. Oh well.

I proceeded to hypnotise the pot and wait.

The recipe claimed the omelette is ready when the top gets crusty. The top refused to do such a thing and while I was willing to wait for it, I was increasingly disturbed by the smell of something burning that started to emanate from the pot. I tentatively poked the work in progress and found that it got stuck to the pot. *shrug* I peeled it off and discovered the omelette’s bottom is burnt and the top is raw. Interesting.

It tasted better than it looked but you’d better not try this at home.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

24 Comments

  1. It looks good Mara, I’ll be right over! Oh, it’s too far…

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    1. Ha 😀 I could definitely do with cooking lessons.

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  2. An omelette can be a challenge. It takes practice. You can eat each rough draft you make.

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    1. Lol, literally! It was my first ever attempt, so I’ll try again and see if it turns out more fit for eating.

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  3. I find all attempts at an omelette end up more scrambled eggs than an omelette but you are more adventurous than me though you have me thinking that as I have more tomatoes than I can poke a stick at in the kitchen I may use some mixed with eggs and see what happens…the only cooking hint I might give you is to spray your pot first with olive oil spray so you can turn said omelette mix thereby cooking both sides…..

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    1. Yes, I ended up with a cross-breed of omelette and scrambled eggs, but whatever. Tomatoes are good with eggs, I think, I remember my mom would put tomatoes in (maybe on?) omelettes. Hers were significantly neater than mine.

      I did put oil in the pan first, I guess I made the “omelette” too thick, so it burnt before it could be thoroughly cooked on both sides. I’m laughing at the idea of juggling omelettes, trying to turn them so they could cook on both sides 😀

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      1. I made some scrambled eggs with tomatoes yesterday and it was yum…..

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        1. I tried to make another omelette. It turned out so much better than my first attempt!

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          1. There you see, practice makes perfect, I knew you had it in you…..did you get that inner glow of self satisfaction?

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          2. Wut? I’m supposed to get a glow of self-satisfaction? I didn’t know that! But I went on to cook another complex meal! It was pasta and veggies and bacon baked in an oven… A local recipe. I don’t think it has an English name. The next thing I know I’ll start blogging recipes 😀

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          3. Goodness well I hope you attached a photo of yourself in a frilly pinafore with each recipe.

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          4. What? Pinafore? I don’t do such things… But I am thinking of getting some kitchen utensils. Like the thing you use to make thin slices from an egg: I’d like to make a salad with eggs. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m terrified 😉

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          5. Its called mellowing with age my dear Mara, you’ll be surprised what changes take place, pinafores, head scarves, wooden spoons and egg slicers are just a few…..before you know it you’ll be buying pink fluffy slippers…

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          6. Ah, egg slicers are what they’re called! So obvious… I want one. What has become…

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  4. Wow, you really ARE minimalist. I’m so proud that you went to such extremes to break the rules 🙂 Go you! The first omelette I ever made was burnt too! And we still ate it. great way to start the New Year – venturing into untested waters 🙂

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    1. Oh yes, minimalism is my philosophy not only in the kitchen 😀 I’m trying to do a more variet diet now, hence my adventures. I’ll keep you posted how it goes!

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      1. There’s some great 4 ingredient recipes when you’re ready to take the plunge 🙂

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        1. Oh dear, no, I’m not ready for such elaborate cooking yet!

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  5. Keep trying. Like most things, cooking takes practice. I’ve been cooking for three decades and I’ve actually not mastered the omelette thing of having a thoroughly cooked top without the bottom burning. I cook it in the pan and then give it a quick blast under a hot grill to get rid of any remaining egg snot.

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    1. I guess I can be glad I didn’t burn the house down and produced a dish that was marginally eatable 🙂 I shall keep on trying, though I doubt I’ll ever enjoy cooking. Your tips are pretty profi!

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  6. It actually looks very good, like such a great effort 😊 Did you put a bit of oil or butter in the pot? It helps prevent sticking. You’re so right in putting onion first as its flavors come out that way. I find that if you keep stirring the omellete ad it cooks, that helps.

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    1. Wow, thank you for the tip! I did use oil but it didn’t occur me to stir the thing, I was just cluelessly poking into it with no real purpose… I still have some eggs in the fridge, so I guess I’ll try again soon. Here’s to happy cooking! (Or at least acceptable cooking!)

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  7. A childhood memory about all fat people was that they were usually good cooks. I never wanted to be fat, but did I subconsciously determine not to be a good cook? I don’t think so, but I am not.

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    1. Oh dear, I never heard of such thing! It makes sense though, when you cook well, you like to eat what you cook and vice versa. I’m both a terrible cook and a skinny person, so here’s an explanation!

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