The (Dis)contents of My Body

Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to talk about my bowels. At least, not specifically and not in graphic detail. However, I had the chance for the first time to step on a smart bathroom scale which, besides your weight, displays the percentages of water, fat and muscle in your body. I was pretty surprised by the results and I should probably do something about it. Like, I don’t know, eat something.

Now, I’m aware I’m underweight and I try not to make too much fuss, except keeping tabs on my weight to make sure it doesn’t drop below the pretty random limit of 47 kg (103 lb). That was my weight when I was getting married. (Why, yes, I was a very insubstantial bride.) Now I’m slightly below 50 kg (110 lbs), including a cat sitting on my shoulder. I would probably benefit from weighting more, but I quite enjoy people giving me free food just by the look of me.

Apparently, yoga causes weight loss and muscle growth

What the smart scale told me though was that I had 45.5% of muscle in the body and 14.2% fat. That’s ridiculous. That’s a lot of muscle for a woman of my age and build, and it must be wrong. I look anything but muscular. (Though there is a mini-muscle forming on my shoulders from my yoga planks and downdogs.) Also, my fat percentage is basically health-threateningly low. WTF. This must be wrong too, unless it’s right because I don’t have boobs and hips, where most women have fat stored.

The scale scared the shit out of me. It suggested that my proportions were that of a top athlete, which isn’t a good thing when you’re not a top athlete. Top athletes are doing nothing but ruining their health. I’m already ruining my health with smoking, so I should consider getting fat for my health’s sake. This is a confusing concept. I’ve been on a vegan-like health-focused diet (plus Oreos) for long enough to completely lose appetite for anything else (except Oreos). It’s awkward when you actually start liking healthy food. And it’s super awkward that I should change my diet for something less healthy. I wonder how this happened.

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Author: Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

27 thoughts

  1. So the cigarette and Oreos diet is your strategy. I don’t now, Mara. That sounds pretty darn good to me. And it’s a smart scale so it must be right, right? Give a try in a week or so and see if the figures stay the same. Don’t forget to have the cat on your shoulder, too…

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    1. Oh I’m not complaining of my diet, it’s tasty! I just sometimes get freaked out when I’m reminded that I’m underweight, by a smart scale or otherwise. I look like an advert for eating disorders. Oops.

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  2. Do you actually feel unwell? If not its either you are ok or your body is numb and you might keel over any second but I wouldn’t want to alarm you by saying that. I think those machines can cause more worry than they might be worth though I do think its good to see where your weight is from time to time…I tend to look at my scale with one eye closed…..its never a good sight I can tell you that…

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    1. Haha, no worries, I’m probably alright, I’m not feeling particularly sick, at least not physically, but no matter what the smart scale says, I am underweight as a fact, which is risky, health-wise. It’s funny, everyone’s all about losing weight, and I’m half-heartedly thinking of trying to gain some ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. I would not trust that scale one bit. How the heck can it possibly know how much mass is inside you anyway, lol. I would think the only time you can determine the proportion of body fat and muscle is when a doctor can help you out and take an x-ray or do some kind of radiography so you can actually see where the muscles and fats are. Like you, I’ve always been trim, focus on a low-fat diet and chocolates on the side. Every now and then I do step on a scale just to see where I’m at, and my weight fluctuates depending on that time of the month – now that is certain ๐Ÿ˜€

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    1. I have no idea how the smart scale works, if it works, but then, I don’t have an exact idea how, say, wifi works, and I still trust it ๐Ÿ˜‰ The scale just reminded me that my BMI is too low and that I should probably do something about it. Like, eat more Oreos. Don’t even get me started about that time of the month: I always go a size up and need to wear my big pants with a rubber waistband ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

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    1. I’m not sure what kind of scale it is and how it works, I tried it when I was visiting family. I’m sure it’s no way accurate, but maybe it can be taken as a rough indication. Healthy food should be a good strategy, but I suspect I eat too little fat, and you gotta have some fat too. I probably wouldn’t be always so cold if I weighted a bit more and had more fat on me.

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