I’m fucked up. Seriously. It confuses and saddens me because I’m a rational person and I don’t make sense to myself. My reactions to things are the opposite of what you, I or anyone would reasonably expect. When something bad happens, I’m perversely pleased and think, Serve me right, I deserve it. When something nice happens, I’m pissed off. Well, WTF?
Today I got an invoice paid for some work which I’ve already done and more work that I’m yet to do. This angered me immensely. I was hoping the invoice wouldn’t get paid and I wouldn’t have to do the rest of the work. Yes, you’re reading right. I’m actually upset I got paid for my work.
Also, I got a new proofreading order for two academic articles. My dream job. I responded to the inquiry with the estimated date of completion and my hourly rate. The customer accepted. Again, I was saddened and pissed off. I don’t want to do anything, I just want to lie down and die.
I also get a coding job to do tonight in an ongoing project. I fucking love coding. Yet I hate it that I have to do it. I wonder why. What’s wrong with me? Anyone has any ideas? Could be that I’m scared I won’t deliver the jobs up to my standards? My standards are much higher than anyone’s standards and my work is safely above-average, so it should be no issue. Am I scared that I won’t meet the deadlines? I bloody always meet the deadlines. So what the hell? I wish I had and made more sense.
I lit my new candle, which I hate because I think I don’t deserve such a nice fancy candle, and I’m off to work. If you figure me out, please do tell me.