I’m fucked up. Seriously. It confuses and saddens me because I’m a rational person and I don’t make sense to myself. My reactions to things are the opposite of what you, I or anyone would reasonably expect. When something bad happens, I’m perversely pleased and think, Serve me right, I deserve it. When something nice happens, I’m pissed off. Well, WTF?

Today I got an invoice paid for some work which I’ve already done and more work that I’m yet to do. This angered me immensely. I was hoping the invoice wouldn’t get paid and I wouldn’t have to do the rest of the work. Yes, you’re reading right. I’m actually upset I got paid for my work.

Also, I got a new proofreading order for two academic articles. My dream job. I responded to the inquiry with the estimated date of completion and my hourly rate. The customer accepted. Again, I was saddened and pissed off. I don’t want to do anything, I just want to lie down and die.

I also get a coding job to do tonight in an ongoing project. I fucking love coding. Yet I hate it that I have to do it. I wonder why. What’s wrong with me? Anyone has any ideas? Could be that I’m scared I won’t deliver the jobs up to my standards? My standards are much higher than anyone’s standards and my work is safely above-average, so it should be no issue. Am I scared that I won’t meet the deadlines? I bloody always meet the deadlines. So what the hell? I wish I had and made more sense.

I lit my new candle, which I hate because I think I don’t deserve such a nice fancy candle, and I’m off to work. If you figure me out, please do tell me.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

28 Comments

  1. Lizl's Quiet Spaces Journal 03/10/2017 at 10:10 pm

    “Armchair” observation: Impostor syndrome? I went through a couple of significant rounds of that in the midst of my 30 years of freelance gigs.

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    1. Oh yes, the imposter syndrome is classic, that’s an observation to the point. It perhaps gets even worse when you’re freelancing and bear all the responsibility for all aspects of your work.

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  2. What would you say the issues is? The fact of high work load when feeling down or Are you insecure about your work. From what I can read, it seems like you might be feeling down for whatever reason and this will end up effecting your work. No one wan’t to work on something especially coding when you have other thoughts on your mind. Best thing I can recommend is to find what is making you feel down wok on improving that… Take care Jack.

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    1. Thank you for your comments, it’s so helpful to get feedback and see things from a different perspective! I guess I’m freaking about having a lot of work to do – I’d be working even if I had less work, it’s just the extra stress from deadlines and new challenges… Hmm. Today is much better though, it clearly is good just to sleep on it sometimes! Thank you for stopping by!

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      1. Fantastic news that you are feeling a lot better.

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        1. Aw, thank you and have a great day yourself!

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  3. You deserve nice things!

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    1. I think I don’t unless I earn for them…

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  4. maybe for some reasons you, deep down, you think you don’t deserve good things/good, easy going life?

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    1. You are so very right. It’s not even deep down, for some reasons, I don’t think I deserve anything good. Maybe something to work on. Thank you for stopping by!

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      1. certainly something to work on it! 😀 good luck🍀

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        1. Thank you! The work never stops, right?

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          1. well, the more you do the better it goes 😄

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  5. I think you need to tell your cat to move over so you can both study the air…..

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    1. Haha, that’s the perfect solution, thank you!

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  6. I kind of get where you are coming from. I took on two commissions for illustration work because the money was too tempting to turn down but I kind of hate that I have to do these commissions. No. I don’t kind of hate it. I totally hate it. It feels like pressure and that is sapping the joy of creativity. I am procrastinating a great deal over them too but don’t feel like I can tackle any other art projects while the paying jobs sit untouched.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your very similar experience. Exactly as you say, when one has to do something, the task suddenly gets harder, even if it’s something you normally enjoy. And pressure is always what gets me – in the wrong way. So, let’s get down to it and get it done!

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  7. You realise of course that knowing you are fucked up is half the battle. Outside your front door are thousands if not millions who don’t know or deny being fucked up at all. So you are way ahead of those poor souls. You sound like you are going through the steps needed to make a living. But underneath it all is a desire to do something else even if that something else is nothing. I used to feel like that when I was working as if it was all a stage to get through as the weekend or something you’d rather do was not so far away. But the other thing I note is that you also possess the desire to do a good job when you do work and that’s a good thing too….good job = good reputation = more jobs = more pissed off = ?? Its like a vicious circle isn’t it…..good thing there are folk such as me thinking if I was this girls psychologist wouldn’t I be having some fun!!!!

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    1. Haha, thank you for your thoughtful and uplifting comment! You never fail to surprise me and entertain me, thanks for that! I think you’d get bored pretty soon if you were my therapist, as you say, it’s all the same all the time, a vicious circle. I guess I should just shut up and get the job(s) done!

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      1. Well no comp[laining or whinging as we say is important in dealing with the things that irritate us….after all we are only human..

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        1. Whinging is Aussie for whining? Complaining is probably therapeutic but too much is too much…

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          1. Whinging for us is like that long sought after drink you crave in the afternoons.

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  8. Maybe you could use the energy of piss-offedness to get the work done in record time, then you can be pissed off for having nothing to do. In the meantime, b.r.e.a.t.h.e…

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    1. You are so right! I think it worked just the way you said, I was just angry yesterday but today I’m full of energy (well, almost) and more willing to do something!

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  9. Some days you just can’t even.

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    1. Exactly. It’s one of these days…

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