Shit I Carry in My Handbag

I used the word shit in the post title. I wonder if there will be repercussions. Will I get reported as a threat to society? I’m terrified so say anything these days because I never know what I’m allowed to say to keep it politically correct, gender neutral, family friendly and whatnot. But when thinking of pretty much anything in life, the only word that comes to mind is shit (also, crap, but that doesn’t solve the problem).

I’m currently prepping for a school reunion tomorrow, where I don’t want to go but socialising is good for my mental health (I don’t think so, but my psychiatrist does). It’s a one-day trip, I’ll be home for the night (unless I get mugged and murdered), so I’m putting just a few basic things in my handbag. When I contemplate my labour, I’m thinking, Shit, (here it goes again) I have some baggage (my psychiatrist agrees).

My trademark crotch selfie

Here’s the setup of my handbag, minimum requirements, but the handbag is still more of a hand-carried backpack than a ladies’ purse.

  • Several open tissue packs (sometimes I try to consolidate the packages into one, inevitably tear the wrapping and end up crying over it, ultimately using the tissues right away).
  • Lipstick, lip gloss and lip balm (I have a serious addiction to lip balm, jokes aside, I urgently need to reapply it at least once an hour. It’s probably a nervous tic.).
  • A cute white and red pocket mirror (let’s gloss over the fact that it was a freebie from my preferred tampon brand).
  • Phone, earbuds, wallet (the size of a handbag of its own), keys on a ring (some of the keys I carry around solely as talismans because I have no idea what they open).
  • A book to feel good about myself (which will never be open even on public transport because, duh, I have mobile data to keep me entertained).
  • A bottle of water, a flask of slivovitz in winter (drink or freeze, I’d rather be drunk than frozen, much more pleasant).
  • Cigarettes, lighter, a spare lighter (seriously; also, smoking kills—ultimately—which is a disadvantage it shares with life).
  • Cleaning cloth for my glasses, hand sanitiser, hand cream in winter (my hands are just as dry as my lips, and both are just as dry as my creative juices).
  • Lexaurin in case I get an anxiety attack and think I’m dying (which I,  in the last analysis, am since I’ve been born).
  • Umbrella (even in winter because I bloody hate the cold white shit of snow in my hair and a cap doesn’t come in question because I do my hair with care and won’t have it messed up).

I hope I have packed all I need. Now please excuse me, I need to reapply my lip balm, go paint my nails and otherwise make myself presentable so my schoolmates think I have my shit together (both I and my psychiatrist disagree).


Author: Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

27 thoughts

  1. Yes, please, take the camera!
    And, although I might put my life in jeopardy here by contradicting your psychiatrist, I usually find that you pretty much have your shirt together. And a great sense of humor to top it all up and make everything easier to swallow. No need for pills, then.
    Thank you very much.
    Now, go and enjoy the reunion! 😉


    1. Too late for the camera, and maybe just as well, no one wants to see pictures of themselves getting drunk 😮 Thank you very much for your kind words! I’m mystified how I manage to convince anyone I have my shit together. I should’ve probably become an actress!


  2. People don’t seem to swear often on WP… it makes me nervous. Lip balm is so very necessary, as are a few Klonopins. As I am the type of person who would go off on anybody who thought they were more highly qualified than my psychiatrist to tell me which medications I should be taking.


    1. Thank you for sharing my addiction to lip balm (and last-resort medications…). I mostly just keep my meds in my handbag without using them, I’m calmer knowing they’re there. On this note, I unlocked a new achievement: going through a school reunion without a Lexaurin!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That cheered me up.

    I was in New Jersey in a supermarket looking for cheese and I couldn’t find it. A man came out of the back. He would have fitted right in with the Sopranos.

    I asked him where the cheese was and he showed me except it was the soft cheese. I said no I was looking for hard cheese and he said “You mean cheddar and shit like that?”

    The thing is he wasn’t swearing, he was just talking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you for sharing your absolutely wonderful story! So funny – and deep! That’s exactly how I perceive swear words, as they call them, as part of language, as one of the language means we use to express our meaning. Also, now I’m craving cheddar (and shit like that).


  4. The last school reunion I went to I was unemployed and I felt very strange. Parts of me felt like I had been a complete failure and it was hard to tell others about what I was going through. I am glad I went because I had a great time and reconnected with some people. I hope it will be a positive experience for you.


    1. I’m practically unemployed now too – well, self-employed, but it sort of amounts to the same thing – but as it turned out, my classmates did not become rich and famous either, so no need to feel bad about myself. I’m glad I went to the reunion. Hope your next one will be better!


  5. Well done for going to a school reunion. I don’t know if there’s any monetary sum I could be bribed with that could compel me to attend one of mine. You’re taking a push to socialize to a whole other level.


    1. Haha, it’s funny, some people love school reunions and others hate them but there’s nothing in between. I was eventually glad I went, if only for the diversion, getting out of the flat for a while and doing something else.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Great post Mara. I haven’t been to a school reunion because I live too far away now. I love hearing about handbag habits. Did you know that there about 7 billion “what’s in my bag” videos on YouTube. They are somewhat satisfying but also completely mindless. I share your addiction to lip products and hand cream. Every bag and pounce has them.


    1. Oh I didn’t know the handbag videos! And I was thinking I invented a new genre, ha. You’re probably not missing much when you can’t go to a school reunion, it’s interesting but then, we’ve all drifted apart and are at different places, so there’s not much to talk about apart from reminiscing.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. That last line reminded me of your other: ‘know your shit’ vs ‘know you’re shit.’ Bahahaha! Cracked me up all over again. Have fun at your reunion.


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