What a Slavic Girl Wants

27 comments

The Slavic girl in the title of the post is me (Heyou!). I have no clue what I want, so you’d be silly to take the following seriously. On top of it, it’s all plagiarised. How so? I came across a new blog the other day with a wonderful click-bait of a page entitled My Girlfriend. Being a creep who’s curious about other people’s girlfriends, I naturally headed there first. Oops though. It threw Error 404! I mean, it literally threw Girlfriend Not Found.Β Being a person with a perverted sense of humour, I collapsed in convulsions of laughter. I thought this was so brilliant I had to steal the idea. Therewith I declare an advertisement for a boyfriend.

Here’s a (long) list of my demands. You won’t like them. You don’t have to like them though because it’s all hypothetical! However, I’m hypothetically holding your kitten hostage, so your protocol had better comply. Interested candidates may apply in the comments below and must enclose their CV, cover letter and recent photo (preferably fully dressed). No kidding. This is a serious long-term job interview! As to what’s in it for you, besides the kick out of it, this is not the subject of the current post (ha!). So keep your pants on (also literally).

Gutter to go with my gutter post

The ideal acceptable candidate includes but is not limited to the following features:

  • You gotta be fierce. This is Eastern Europe, and all they say is true (remind me to blog about the cute quirks of local organised crime). No need to wield the sword (so analog), but an ability to use the knife (or a shank) is essential. Your duties will involve, knife-wise, killing, gutting and cooking a carp with your own hands each year at Christmas Eve (that’s what we do here for Christmas, perfectly normal).
  • You gotta know your shit (not to be confused withΒ You gotta know you’re shit). I’ve spent enough time teaching to know that instructing people is a loss of time because they’ll go and do the opposite of what you advise. (People are weird, no? Bonus points if you agree.) Clairvoyance and mind reading skills are not required (because duh, let’s keep it real). Ability to Google is presumed in the successful candidate.
  • Your cat must not hate my cat (my cat hates everyone, so she’s no issue). It is not necessary to own a cat of your own (or be owned by a cat), however, high cat tolerance is crucial. Be advised (which you won’t be because see above for People are weird), anyway, be aware that I’ll probably like my cat better than you (but I like nothing really, so I’m no issue). However, as a gesture of goodwill, I am ready to negotiate and possibly surrender the half of the bed currently used by the cat for the sole use of the successful candidate (the cat must not be harmed in the process).

Okay, I think the above terms and conditions already disqualify about 99% of people (50% of which are already disqualified by virtue of their gender), so let’s call it a day for the first round. Also, as is fashionable to state in a footnote, I’m an equal opportunity employer (I don’t even know what that means, besides declaring not to discriminate openly but shadily instead. Also, are you even allowed to be discriminate in picking a partner these days? I’m concerned it’s not politically correct! Of course, I’m always concerned, so I don’t count).

The main and most important point being: a huge thanks toΒ Shibin for the post inspiration! With hopes you’ll soon get that error fixed, man.

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27 comments on “What a Slavic Girl Wants”

  1. I was considering auditioning for the part you are advertising but I figure you couldn’t be so desperate to consider such a thought. As it is I am best photographed with clothes on and many say from behind…I can wield a knife and I have caught, and cleaned a few fish in my time. (Did you know the carp is considered a pest in Australia?) I don’t think I could find many people, if any to attest to me being fierce so that is a bit of a downer, I’m more your lover than a fighter….”know my shit?” Well some people say I’m full of it so maybe I know too much?? But I have a never too late to learn mentality….well I don’t own a cat and I’ll be upfront and say I’m not a great cat person so I feel I have disqualified myself from the part you are offering as I am sure the cat would resent me moving in on its patch knowing I am not a cat person…
    So there I have submitted my resume and disqualified myself all at the same time to save you to effort of doing so…its the sort of thoughtful man I am….good luck on your quest to lure in the RIGHT man….

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    1. Aw, thank you so much for playing along, and it is my pleasure to announce that your application has been submitted and you’re by all means in for the second round πŸ˜‰

      You describe yourself brilliantly! And very humorously. You trump my post with your humour, in fact.

      Also, interesting that the carp is a pest in AU! Here, we breed them in ponds and look after them so we could eat them for Christmas…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. In Japan they are revered. They are pests here because they eat the native fish.
        The second round? Wow. I never get to the second round. Will there be more rigorous and exhaustive tasks to perform?

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        1. Aha, I see. Well, carps are native here. I have no clue why we eat them for Christmas, the meat isn’t that good and bones are everywhere. Salmon is better.

          Yes, the second round! πŸ˜€ Sure there will be harder tasks, I don’t know what yet, but I’m devious and I’ll come up with something! πŸ˜€

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Haha πŸ˜€ No, nothing mathematical, I couldn’t possibly know if your answers were correct or not because Maths and I don’t mix well. Common sense though, hmm, that’s a feature I like. Though it’s hard to pin down what it is.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Were I a member of the male species, which I am not, I would seriously consider applying. One tiny problem does exist. I am married. To a man. That may or many not be an impediment. I do love cats and am concerned, were I hypothetically to be considered an acceptable candidate, that Ella would be displaced in The Bed. Also, you did not specify in your advertisemennt whether you would consider transgender, lesbian or other gender inspired differences…. please advise

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    1. Hahaha, thank you so much for your hilarious comment and for taking part in the fun! How could I possibly refuse you? You’re certainly in! That is, as long as your husband doesn’t barge in, wielding a sword and threatening to kill me for usurping too much of your attention!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Starting my Monday with a good laugh! Thanks Mara! and just because of that, I’m pretty sure you’ll have plenty of candidates! I mean, come on, who doesn’t like a good laugh on Monday mornings?! πŸ˜‰

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  4. Thank you, Mara, for the ping back! When you have a cat why do you need anyone else! Unless for obvious reasons! πŸ˜›

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