I happened to be installed to the unenviable position of a make-shift concierge at my building. The concierge is a fancy name for the person who goes quietly about her own business only to get yelled at by antagonistic neighbours when something stops working. The concierge also serves as a rent collector, which is obviously a highly popular function.
I’m everyone’s favourite: I’ve already got my postbox vandalised twice and people probably pee at my door. Well, as long as it pleases them—and as long as they bring in the rent… I wish the building owner had manifested more common sense when selecting the concierge. As an anxious and asocial individual hardly capable of interacting with other representatives of the human species, I hardly make an adequate candidate. I totally suck at it too.
The other day I paid a visit to the upstairs family to kindly remind them of their overdue rent, or, alternately, to threaten to throw them out on the street unless they promptly pay. As soon as the tenants opened the door, I got in trouble. There was a kitten! When I see a cat, I totally lose it. So, without saying what I wanted or even asking if I could, I grabbed their kitten and proceeded to cuddle it. The errand didn’t go well. I was offered coffee, sat down with the tenants and the kitten and, by the way, do you guys know that you owe on rent? They did know.
Yesterday the scariest woman in the building, whom you wouldn’t want to meet after dark on an empty street, flew down the stairs pounding at my door and screaming that, quote, her fucking internet wasn’t fucking working and what I was going to do about it, fuck. I didn’t dare to inquire whether she tried switching her router off and on because I feared she might bite me and I’m not vaccinated against rabies. Ten minutes later, as I was in the process of screaming at the internet provider, she came back to apologise. Her husband apparently unplugged their router.
It’s the twentieth, which is rent day, so please excuse me, I’m going to wear my breastplate, grab a stick for self-defence and am off to collect rent.