When I was admitted to the mental hospital, I was clean, as of not using any medication. When I was dismissed seven weeks later, it was with a budding addiction to prescription drugs. The irony.

When I moved, I had to change my psychiatrist. My current psychiatrist is a jerk. Most psychiatrists are, in my experience, but this one is even more so. His solution are prescription drugs. The addictive kind.

From my most recent psychiatrist appointment, I returned with a prescription for Lexaurin, the anti-anxiety drug. It’s a present-day version of Valium. In other words, something you don’t want to get addicted to. Inevitably, you get addicted when you use it because, duh, it’s an addictive substance.

I’m supposed to have my Lexaurin for emergencies only. Except it’s always an emergency. I’m trying to avoid abusing it, but it’s rather tempting because the effect is practically instant. Imagine you’re shaking like a vibrator (for lack of a better comparison) and when you take the pink pill, it stops.

It’s awesome. I imagine that’s how normal people feel on a regular basis. I suspect being normal is rather enjoyable. Obviously, when you’re normal, you don’t appreciate it because it’s normal for you. So what’s the point? Dunno. Probably that there’s something bad (like addiction) to everything good (like Lexaurin)?

 

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

15 Comments

  1. It’s interesting isn’t the whole notion of what normal is. I don’t shake like a ‘vibrator’, though that could be an interesting sensation in itself, but I don’t consider myself normal well within my society at any rate….and I do take a bevy of drugs each day and I’m not sure if any are addictive or not as I’ve been taking them for so long. For me, the addiction is the joy I get in staying alive and I rationalise that my drugs are succeeding in that way. But I figure if the drug you are taking is doing ‘good’ for you then if it brings a sense of balance to your day it can’t be all bad in fact I would assume that is what it’s meant to be doing. Anyway, its time now for me to swill down my morning stuff and no doubt to the acute of hearing hear listen to my guts rattle as I walk along. Stay normal Mara, I wouldn’t want you to be any other way…. 🙂

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    1. Shaking like a vibrator is fun to start with but when it lasts too long, like the whole day every day, it gets annoying. I imagine it doesn’t qualify as normal, however we choose to define it… Drugs are awesome, they’re keeping us alive and functioning, but there’s always a price. The trick is to achieve the balance between the positive effects and the side effects, I guess.

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  2. I get it. Was addicted to Klonopin many years ago, bad time getting off of it. Thanks, Dr Phsychatrist. I spelled that wrong. Hope you feel better. ❤️

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    1. Addictions are a nasty business, bad enough I’m addicted to smoking, I don’t need to develop any more addictions. Well, the good thing is that I’m aware of the risk and am trying to avoid it 🙂

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      1. It’s tough getting off the ciggys, been there. Finding out I have heart disease in 2002 had me quitting cold turkey. You can do it, if you want to of course.

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        1. Yes, it makes sense you quit when facing a health emergency. (Un)fortunately, smoking has so far not brought me any urgent health issues, which doesn’t make it easier to quit.

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  3. I know what you’re talking about. I looked them up to see whether it’s a benzodiazepine, and yes it is. Of course you’d take one when you start trembling like that … that’s what they were meant for … but in the long run, THEY will make you tremble, so it gets like a vicious circle. You’re a young, bright woman … one wouldn’t see you on a life-long benzo dependency. As you probably already know, you would have to increase the dose to obtain that effect also after some time, since they’re so habit forming. It takes time to get off them, and one would have to wean oneself off. The longer one has taken them, the longer the weaning off will take and it isn’t easy.

    As I think you can sense from these lines, I’m not a huge fan. These pills are great for an emergency situation perhaps. When they came out in the 60s, probably the whole mental health field thought they were a godsend — everyone became calm, cool and collected LOL. The side effects, though … aren’t funny.

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    1. Exactly as you say – the trouble is you need to increase the doses and then you ultimately can’t go without it. I’m not exactly a fan of this kind of medications either, I had half a mind to tell the doc not to prescribe me those at all. So far I’m succeeding in keeping them for emergency only, I carry a blister in my purse but don’t actually use it. I was thinking, like you, of all those poor housewives in the US who got addicted to valium back then before doctors realised how nasty it is.

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      1. Sometimes, just the fact that you DO carry that blister, can do the trick — you know they’re there … just in case.

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        1. I think I’ll end up just carrying the drug around and avoiding using it because the two times I tried, I was perfectly collected but so sedated I couldn’t focus on the simplest work.

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  4. Sounds awesome. Valium is awesome too, especially when combined with alcohol. 😀
    Haha, kidding of course. No one should ever do illegal stuff.

    You should check out the song “Who put the benzedrine in Mrs. Murphys Ovaltine”, it’s on YouTube.

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    1. I have yet to try mixing my Lexaurin with alcohol. Kidding. I don’t drink when on meds. (Not much in any case.) The benzendrine/ovaltine song is tragi-comic…

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  5. I’d venture to say that a little vibration is a sign of a living soul. I like the buddhist phrase about riding a horse rather than being tossed around by it – I’ve had both – and as you say, probably better than stunning the horse with diazepam.

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    1. You put it so beautifully. I incline to Buddhist thinking, so the metaphor works for me. And instead of Diazepam, I usually go for yoga and meditation, even if it’s less effective.

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  6. […] it that bothered me most. My shoulder and neck were killing me. So, the last resort: I look Lexaurin. I only do this once or twice a month. It’s an addictive first-and-last-aid pill from […]

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