I use Tinder and I’m duly ashamed of myself. My hypothesis is that there are only losers on Tinder. And me. I mean, including me. I’ve been conducting a practical research of the app for several months and hence I am now able to provide empirical evidence to support my hypothesis concerning losers. Besides proof of losers, I have hilarious stories which must be shared for the sake of general entertainment.

So, I met several guys after chatting with them for a bit—not simultaneously, successively over a period of  some time—each of them once, and even once was too much. Based on my social experiment, my conclusion is that when a guy of my age is single, there exist painfully profound reasons for his singleness, including, but not limited to, him being a complete idiot. Following my findings, suggested measures to take include me getting another cat and embracing being a crazy cat lady.

Weirdo Type One: The Three-Year-Old

Weirdo of type one is a real-life version of Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory), but significantly less cute and funny than Shelley. The version that I met held a doctorate in physics (like Sheldon) and devoted his spare time to gaming, reading children’s fantasy and playing with lego (he proudly showed me a picture of a lego truck he built). He insisted that the bill in the coffee shop be split between us. There must have been some kind of misunderstanding—I’m not looking to adopt a grown-up child. Also, when a guy asks you out and then expects you to pay for your coffee, does that mean that he’s a confused feminist or what?

Weirdo Type Two: The Mommy’s Pet

Weirdo of type two is a natural aberration in whose existence I didn’t believe until I encountered a living sample. Describing the peculiarities of this phenomenon would be too time-consuming and would border on supernatural fiction, therefore I’ll limit myself to two statements I heard from the particular person I met. My personal favourite is his psychiatric evaluation that my depression springs solely from me having crooked teeth. (He messaged me this and I had the best laugh in years.) I certainly have both depression and crooked teeth but I doubt that there’s a causal connection. To improve on his statement, he followed up saying that unlike mine, his looks are perfect. Besides him being a perfect idiot, he also lived with his mom, full service and all.

Weirdo Type Three: The Psychiatric Patient

Weirdo of type three is a chameleon. He looks normal to start with, but you mustn’t spend more than five minutes in his company. He brought me flowers for the first (and last) date, which I thought quite awesome, and paid for all, which I deeply appreciated. It however soon transpired, no kidding, that we’ve been to the same mental hospital. He insisted he had an acute overreaction to stress and was entirely cured, but I didn’t think so. He spent the whole time talking about his achievements in his job, juxtaposed with his deep insecurities concerning his looks (he looked normal), his last name (which was mildly awkward, but nothing too bad) and other things which I forgot. I should’ve taken a book for this date, it was considerably boring to listen to an uninterrupted stream of consciousness for two hours.

Or Is It Me?

I swear I neither invented nor exaggerated any of the above. Also, the idea wasn’t to ridicule anyone (except myself), but to contemplate how weird life and people are. On the dating note, I also discovered a curious thing: it looks like half of the guys won’t approach me because they believe I already have someone, and the other half won’t approach me because they’re intimidated by me. How weird, right.

 

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

21 Comments

  1. Lordy! This is a good reason I’m glad to stay single, Mara. Relationships make my life too complex, too much so for a simple mind. I’ve not heard of that application. Try making a list on paper of the pros and cons of being single or involved, see what you come up with! ❤️

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    1. Relationships are indeed complicated, and even more complicated is finding a relationship, as I found. I’ll need to make the list as you suggest. I appreciate being on my own, but one gets lonely all the same.

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      1. Us singles sure do get lonely! Most of the time I’m OK but there are days or even moments when it’s more difficult.

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        1. It helps to get a pet, if you can manage it, but then you might end up being too devoted to the pet, as if it were a person. (Speaking from my own experience.)

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  2. 🙂 Highly entertaining read! I believe you, without a doubt. There are much weirder characters out there. I knew about Tinder — one of G’s sons tried it a couple of years ago, but he has a girlfriend now so he won’t need it anymore [don’t know how they met 🙂 ]. The funniest was the one with the theory about the correlation between depression and crooked teeth ROFL.

    I agree with John, make up a +/- spreadsheet … and don’t get another cat, Ella won’t appreciate that. 😀

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    1. You’re right, obviously, about me not getting another cat – the current one would probably hate me for it. Also, I’m not sure I’d be capable of giving them both (all) the same attention.

      I need to make the plus/minus spreadsheet and blog it 🙂 I first loved being alone, but some time later, I got a bit fed up with it. Tinder, obviously, is not the solution. Though I’m tempted to keep on using it only to get some more funny stories to blog about 😀

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  3. It’s not you trust me. There are some strange people you meet when in the dating scene! Good luck out there 🙂

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    1. Thank you for the encouragement, I started to doubt myself after a while!

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  4. You must be so pleased everytime you open your blog to discover your blogging friends are all super intelligent, well-balanced and at times suitably insane…we must be such a breath of fresh air for you.

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    1. Actually, I am pleased every time I open my blog. My blogging friends are the best ❤

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      1. Of course they are, in of course the oddest of ways…lol

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        1. Odd is good, but my Tinder encounters were not that good, it was a bad kind of weirdness I met. Bloggers are actually the most pleasant and sanest people I know.

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          1. I could say you need to get more lol….but I agree bloggers are the best people.
            Have a good day.

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  5. Oh LOL!!! I believe every.single.word. I’va had friends describe similarly weird stories of their experiences. Another cat would be a far superior companion, and Ella will get used to it. Might even learn to appreciate another feline presence. Besides, kittens are so adorably cute 🙂

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    1. It’s funny, the concentration of weirdos on Tinder. It seems to be teeming with very weird individuals. At least I have funny stories to tell 😀

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      1. It’ll keep all of us entertained 🙂

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  6. I downloaded tinder too. Gave it two weeks and deleted it the day before yesterday.

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    1. I haven’t deleted Tinder yet in case I need blogging material 😉

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  7. Tinder – tinder dry, light the blue touch paper, stand well back, do not hold in the hand, always use in the company of a responsible adult, kiss six frogs, try seven.

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    1. Thank you for your wonderful instructions for use! I’ll keep that in mind 🙂

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