What I Hated the Least Today 228/365: Civilised and Alive

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I painted my nails. Everything is as it should be now.
I painted my nails. Everything is as it should be.

Two days ago I felt like cutting my wrists but didn’t act on the impulse because unshaved, with no make-up and chipped nail polish, I’d make an ugly corpse. Therefore, the next day I proceeded to paint my nails, and today I removed my fur and also had a haircut. I’m back to being a person rather than an unkempt animal. Now I am perfectly ready to slit my wrists, alas, I don’t feel like it today. As I like to say: I painted my nails. The world is as it should be now.

I suspect I’m bipolar (a fancy term for extreme mood swings). Mental note (literally mental): notify my psychiatrist of my new diagnosis. On this note, I idly googled the number of the diagnosis I have in my psychiatric documentation and discovered that I was labelled with a Mixed Personality Disorder. Even Google is unsure what the heck that means. Besides that I’m a psychopath, of course. Another mental note: don’t google your diagnoses. Ever. It will just scare the shit out of you.

Also, thank yous and acknowledgements: I was genuinely surprised and very happy with the encouraging and witty comments on my previous somewhat depressing suicidal post. You actually cheered me up, guys. Thank you for taking the time and effort to do so, rather than doing something far more interesting.

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52 comments on “What I Hated the Least Today 228/365: Civilised and Alive”

  1. They say that pampering yourself doing what you did is good for you, makes you realise you are worth the effort, after all, it costs money doesn’t it and I’m sure one of your personalities loved the attention you gave yourself which I am hoping drowned out the personality which may have suggested it was all a waste of time?? I don’t think so your nails have come up shining which I am sure reflected your personality at the time….and who doesn’t love a hair cut? Have a good day and say warm….

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    1. Yes, they said looking after one’s appearance is good for one’s psychology, and it certainly works for me this way. Not that I overdo it, but it’s a service to oneself and to others too, since others have to look at you 😉 A hair cut for sure feels good. Very civilised. In short, it’s nice to feel like a person again 🙂 And it’s nice to chat with you, as always!

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      1. I think retail therapy has the same effect….I remember once having a rare win against my ex and I was so elated I went to a friend of mine who ran a tailoring business and ordered two pairs of pants….as you get older though I have to say you keep seeing a stranger in the mirror each morning….its a bit like asking him, who let you in, you aren’t who I was expecting……so do for yourself all you can Mara, I’m sure that underneath the sardonic humour there is a beautiful woman wanting to claw her way out……so giving her a haircut I would certainly think would make her feel like a woman again…..I guess if you can do it every so often it has to help…..you are right of course we do have a service to perform to ourselves and others, I often think that when I’m out that someone is looking and hasn’t run off screaming…..always good seeing you stop by…take care..

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        1. Thank you for your lovely words, as always! I think it’s a good idea to reward oneself for success, like in your case with the pants, or just to reward oneself for trying (I need to work on this one yet), or even to reward yourself just so, for nothing (that I find most difficult to do). I’m a weird kind of a depressed person who still wants to look her best 😮

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  2. Your corpse preparation was an act of self care and I hope it’s a sign that things are stabilizing for you somewhat. As for diagnoses, those are tricky things even for experts to get right.

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    1. Yep, I was long overdue in re-painting my nails and fixing my appearance a bit, so I was glad to have it done. And to feel like a human being, presentable to other human beings. Diagnoses are tricky for sure, but mostly they are scary to me. Especially when one tries to google. On my defence, I wouldn’t have to google if my doctors shared with me what my diagnosis is and what it means. They are surprisingly unwilling to inform patients about what exactly is wrong with them.

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  3. Chatting with you is far more preferable and interesting than say cleaning or ironing so it was a pleasure. Glad it helped. Made it even more worthwhile 🙂
    I once went to a lecture by a senior psychiatrist doing the rounds of the world tour junket as they do. I can’t remember where he was from. Probably America. Anyway, what he had to say was very interesting. He spoke about the dilemma of diagnosis. I still remember clearly some of the things he said.
    One – mental illness is a cultural construct. The indigenous people have a very different view of mental health. And they don’t hide their mad people away. Instead, they look after them. In some cultures they are revered as shamans.
    Two- he likened mental health to a continuum. At one extreme there are those who are way out of kilter or balance to whatever is considered to be the ‘norm’ in the middle. At the other extreme – the same. “Normal” is in the middle where the ‘scales’ balance more or less evenly. And anywhere in between along the continuum either side are clusters of behaviours that present as similar. These clusters are labeled = ie. given a diagnosis. It is a convenience, he said, and gives a construct by which it is easier to ‘treat’ similar presentations. He finished by saying there is no such thing as mental illness!
    On another note entirely, there is another, more esoteric view that those with mental health issues are caught between two worlds – this one that we choose to call reality, and the another on a different dimension….
    Just thought I’d throw this into the mix for what it’s worth 🙂
    I like the toe nail paint 🙂

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    1. Haha, I’m actually glad I’m more fun than ironing 🙂 I don’t take it for granted.

      I’m fascinated by the insights you shared. I’m quite interested in psychology, since my psychology is affected by an “abnormal” condition, and what you say (well, what you say you heard in the lecture) makes perfect sense. Thank you for writing it down for me. Very helpful and enlightening! I especially like the idea of mental health as a continuum.

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      1. It made a lot more sense to me than other stuff I’ve heard. He (the psychiatrist whose name I can’t remember) had done considerable research and stated quite openly that what he was saying was controversial, and many of his colleagues did not agree with him. However he was widely enough regarded to go on a funded world tour lecturing about his research

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  4. Oh – I forgot to add. Diagnoses are just labels asigned by people who have been ‘trained’ to diagnose. They don’t always agree with each other. And sometimes change their minds. It is far from an exact science. What’s important and matters more is the PERSON and their world in its entirety 🙂

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    1. True, as they say, “to define is to confine”. Yet we need to define and label things somehow to make sense of our world. We just need to be careful and avoid taking the labels too seriously and too definitely.

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  5. I missed your last post because I was traveling, so I couldn’t cheer you up, but I probably would have cheered you up with this question I got from a Russian guy when I was playing guitar in Milano:
    “Are all your songs depressing? I want to hear something happy”

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    1. Hilarious. I do hope all your songs are depressing, I like my songs this way. I guess you need a good cheering up too, post-surgery and with meds to take. So, I cheer you the best I can.

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  6. So, in other words – nail polish saved your life? You may not realize that your writing and blog may save someone else’s life. It surely inspires me a whole lot, the latest – “everyone deserves nice feet” – I keep that in mind and wanted to do my toe nails tonight 😀 Take care of myself. You’d be sadly missed, dear. I hope you realize that and forget about those wrist-slitting-plans xox

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    1. Yes, nail polish saved my life, it could be said 🙂 I certainly didn’t think that I could inspire someone or even save someone’s life, but it’s sweet of you to think that! I hope you did your toe nails. I’m a strong believer in looking after oneself and treating yourself to the little things, like painted nails 😉

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      1. …Would you believe it… I still haven’t done them 😦 I was all inspired but then looked at my toes again and figured that even if I painted my toe (and not just the nail) I’d have to dip the little one into the flask in order to make the colour appear when looking down at my feet… so I got depressed again 😉 I have sooo… many colours at home though – I don’t even dare KM them because I like them so much, but I never get to paint my nails… I’m horrible lol

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        1. Aw, that’s a shame! I’ve found that it’s hugely uplifting when one gets down to looking after oneself, even when it’s such a simple act as painting your toe nails 🙂 I wish I could see your nail polish collection, maybe you could blog about it!

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          1. Oh it was planned a while ago (as sooo many other posts… :-/) but guess what?! I had a lovely friend doing them for me, but like, with undercoat and top coat and even a stamp 😀 They now look gorgeous ❤ !!! And you’re right, it’s really uplifting… I had to think of you as well, haha 😀 I might post a picture so you can see 😀

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  7. Your post reminded me so much of leaving the house when I was little, and my Mum would make sure we had clean underwear on – in case we got run over or something. Forget that we would probably be mangled, and in bits – at least we would have clean underwear…

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    1. Thanks for sharing this story! It’s amazing, it reminded me of my childhood when my mum would do the same… And I need to add that I always wear not just clean but my best underwear when I venture out, in case I met with an accident. I mean, even a mangled person can have nice underwear 😉

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    1. I have a fear of knives and blood as well, but that certainly doesn’t prevent me from suicidal thoughts. I guess I’m complicated 😮 No worries though, I’m still alive!

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  8. It was told the same thing as Jonathan …

    I’m glad you painted your toe nails. It’s good to take care of oneself like that. I should do it more. I went to the mall the other day, and saw lots of nice new clothes I could have bought. Next thought was, though: Whenever will I wear them?!

    Many patients are obsessed with diagnoses. They’d do anything to get a diagnosis … any! Even travel to China …

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    1. I’m also glad I painted my toe nails, it’s funny how uplifting such a ridiculous little thing is. I wish my painted nails lasted longer. It’s most annoying that once you start, you pretty much ruin your nails and so you have to keep on painting them to cover the unhealthy yellowish taint.

      Clothes are nice too, even just accessories – I’m crazy into bijou earrings and things like that. I have two pairs of cat earrings, among others 🙂 Maybe you should treat yourself to something, even if you don’t get too many chances to wear it. After all, you’re the only you that you get, so you’d better look after yourself well and with kindness (zen talk).

      Uh, I’m not greatly into diagnoses, but they keep on piling. And I’ve never been to China.

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      1. When my friend was here, last summer, we did a great deal of clothes-/accessories shopping. It was actually fun. I also bought a pair of earrings with snowflakes a while back 🙂

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        1. Now that is good to hear. Funny, I had a friend I met in the mental ward staying for the weekend a few weeks back, and we also went to the mall and got some things to treat ourselves. Mostly bijou. Then we went to a smokers’ cafe, had coffee and cake and several cigarettes and were extremely happy…

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          1. No such thing here … there are all kinds of laws and regulations. Soon it will be more okay to smoke a joint than a regular nicotine cigarette …

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          2. It’s all what they’re talking about here now, as it’s soon to be legalized. I’m so fed up with it … for Pete’s sake, why not legalize it ALL! Grrr

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          3. I see. We don’t have these discussions here, so not an issue for me, and honestly, I just don’t care. If I wanted to smoke pot, I would. I don’t want to, so I don’t.

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