Zenning out

Zenning out

I apologise for another depressing depression post. I somehow can’t get it out of my head (quite literally). I’m trying to look at the bright side of darkness (which is oxymoronic, or just moronic) and while doing so, I discovered that depressed is the new drugged.

You get a plethora of altered consciousness experiences when you’re depressed.  It’s like you’re constantly on drugs (which I am, literally; on four kinds of antidepressants, specifically). Unlike a drug habit, a depression habit is easy and cheap to maintain. Conveniently, you have an unlimited supply of substances that make you high (or rather low) lodged right in your brain.

My most favourite drugged-like state is when I’m going peacefully about my business, and suddenly I get a strong impression that my surroundings and people in them are unreal. It’s often accompanied by short-circuit thoughts based on the What if premise. Say, I’m in a supermarket, everything around me feels surreal, and I think, what if I poke the shopper next to me, slip an item from the shelf in my purse or set the place on fire?

Are you scared? Before you advise me to seek out medical advice, I assure you I am consulting my broken brain with specialists. I am told that short-circuit thoughts are normal in abnormal (as in depressed) people. Also, I haven’t actually poked anyone, stolen anything or burnt anything down (yet). Now, will you please excuse me, it’s time to pop my evening pills. For the next Christmas, I want a pill organiser (and a kitten).

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

30 Comments

  1. Just a hug for you from waaaaay across the Atlantic!! ❤️

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    1. Awe, thank you very much! Hug back (in a completely unsentimental manner, of course, I can’t afford to lose my cynical face 😉 ).

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  2. That all sounds – surreal 🙂 As long as you realise the state you’re in, see if you can enjoy the ride! Might kick in some feel good hormones of the non-pill variety. A kitten sounds like a fantastic idea – why wait till Christmas ?!

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    1. Surreal is the word. Yes, at least I realise my thinking is not quite alright and at least I don’t act on it. That would be embarrassing and potentially illegal 😮 I always want a kitten, but I think my cat, an only child, would hate it, so I’ll abstain.

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      1. They might fall in love with each other – and you 🙂

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        1. Haha, or they would just eat each other 😉

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  3. Now that you’ve been on those medications for quite some time … don’t you ever get any little glimpses of things beginning to look up?

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    1. Exactly what I was saying myself the other day (and got a crying fit as a result), like, come on, I’m following doctor’s orders, taking meds, and I’m still feeling like shit, so what’s wrong? shrug I hope I’ll improve, given more time, it annoys me and I annoy others, too, which annoys me even more.

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      1. Tell the Dr. this isn’t working for you. Can you think of anything you like … something, no matter how insignificant, you like to do? I found this pen business, and I’ve embraced that wholeheartedly — it prevents me from thinking about … other things. I’ve found online forums, where they only talk about pens and inks … no drama of fighting (first time I’ve seen something like that online). I’m not suggesting this to you, but merely trying to make an example of how a totally insignificant little ‘hobby’ can make a big difference. I’ve let myself become really occupied with this because I wanted to.

        Here’s wishing you all the best for 2017! 💗

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        1. Thank you for your well wishes, my favourite blogger 🙂 Some hobby to be passionate about helps a lot. I’m trying to get back to being passionate about blogging, but it’s not working out that well. I guess I have to try more. The year started well for me, actually, a few things went well (but then some others didn’t), and I’m doing a lot of yoga and journal writing, which is helpful, but still not quite it. I suspect I need to change my attitude first. And blog something cheerful and stop annoying people. Hopefully this new year will be a good one for you too!

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          1. I’m trying hard to get back too, but it isn’t working. I can’t write cheerful posts to please others … can’t even come up with anything cheerful. Attitude change is difficult and takes some work. That’s partly why I write the journal.

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          2. Thinking about it, my private journal is awfully cheerful. I deliberate write encouraging shit, though I don’t believe it myself. I should probably switch and blog my private journal and write my blog posts privately.

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          3. Haha! In my private journal I write serious depressing shit. In my blog, I deliberate what to write so much so I end up writing nothing at all now. Not that I am depressed — far from it — it’s just the way I was wired, I guess.

            I would like a fresh start …

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          4. I’m wired in a depressing manner and I’m depressed on top of it, though the latter is no excuse, obviously. I’ll be certainly blogging about my journal at some point, maybe I’ll even transcribe an entry so everyone could have a good laugh 🙂

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  4. Well a pill organiser is cheap so that can be managed and kittens you can pick up anywhere I imagine. Your descriptions of being drug addled (probably not the most polite way of saying it) are entertaining. Well for me they are. I get that as the sufferer they may be far from entertaining especially the urge to poke the person beside you. I take it it could be dangerous standing too close to you? Or being in a supermarket with you….anyway Happy New Year if I don’t see you before…

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    1. Haha, I know that pill organisers and kittens are easy to find 🙂 I’m considering the purchase of the former, while the latter is just a wish, I don’t think my current cat would bear competition.

      I’m glad you found my post amusing. That was, as always, the idea. It is hilarious, in a way. Next time I might blog about how you apply mascara when your hands are shaking because of anxiety. It certainly looks very funny.

      Happy new year to you too! May it be better than the old one.

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      1. Sounds like a good post to look forward to😅

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        1. I hope so 🙂 I do my best to see the positive side of things.

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  5. I have those short-circuit thoughts in public all of the time. I’ve never acted on them, but they do make me laugh, which earns me stares from nearby people. Acting on them, however, would get me arrested. I think they’re normal in creative people.

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    1. You have a great point. It makes sense that creative thinking sometimes creates crazy thoughts, and as long as one knows better than to act on them, it’s all good. Good to see you have a sense of humour 🙂

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  6. Get the kitten now, then you have the best part of a year to train it to organise your pills for you. Two for the price of one!

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    1. Haha, a good idea! Though I’m sure I’d fail miserably. I mean, training a cat, WTF 😉 ?

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  7. I like your honesty as you battle your mind playing mind games on you on a daily basis. You’re not the only one. I too have thoughts like that in the supermarket. To add to your list, sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I drove my trolley right into that neat display of chocolate boxes. I wonder if anyone would notice if I squeeze a packet of chocolates hard until they are obviously mishapen. I’m not scared of myself. The world should be scared of me. And you. We already have a lot of self-control 🙂

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    1. Thank you, Mabel, for your uplifting and thoughtful, as always, comment! Yes, I think it’s quite normal to have some weird thoughts occasionally, after all, we all follow a set of rules, so we naturally wonder at times what would happen if we broke them… I’m sure it’s alright to have thoughts like this, as long as you are in control. Thank you again for sharing your personal experience, it’s a huge help!

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  8. Most people don’t understand how important it is to nurture and take care of depressions. A lot of creative insanity can come from a good depression.

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    1. Agreed on all counts; the most creative people are often the most insane ones. My role model is the poet Sylvia Plath, though I’m not a huge fan of poetry, hers is quite astonishing, and she could only have written it because she suffered from severe depressions. The fun part is she tried to kill herself three times before she succeeded. I have healthy role models.

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  9. I am taking an antidepressant too and it’s helped me. This is one thing that is helping me keep level during times of stress.

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    1. Good to hear your medication is helping you. Mine is helpful too, I guess, but not as much as I’d hope.

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  10. I have felt and still feel similar to you,hope it gets better for you..there is nothing more powerful than the creative mind

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    1. I’m sorry to hear that, but at least we know we’re not alone! I read your latest blog post, your thinking processes seem to be quite similar to mine… Thanks for stopping by, nice to have you!

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