Gross

Gross

Yup. I’m blogging about toilet paper. Mostly because I can. And because I can’t think of anything more savoury to blog about.

I’m a toilet paper enthusiast. I measure the quality of places by the presence/absence of toiler paper. My best workplace was a place where there was always toilet paper. Every single time. There was even a separate restroom for staff—it was a university, and students and teachers had each their own restroom. The students’ one was fancy enough (and there was also paper).

During my studies at another university, there was no toilet paper. That taught me not to assume that the presence of basic sanitary supplies at sanitary facilities is a matter of course. That also taught me that neither is it a matter of course that cubicle doors lock, that toilets flush and that there is hot water (or even soap or even, even towels).

The restroom was what I loved the most about my workplace. I don’t work there anymore (I might again, as the teacher whom I was substituting and who went mad shows no signs of getting sane any time soon), but I continue to indulge in toilet paper in private. I’m unreasonably demanding, so the only Mara-approved brand for toilet paper and tissues is Zewa (tissues can be Kleenex, too).

The Zewa paper I buy is marketed as having flushable tubes. That’s not the reason I prefer it, and I didn’t test this marketing claim in practice. I don’t trust it. But then again, neither did people trust, say, electricity, before it became commonplace. I imagine the flushable tube was invented as an anti-child hack. I mean, childproof.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

52 Comments

  1. Blimey, we recycle our loo roll tubes over here, but not the paper so much..

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    1. Ha 😉 I noticed that toilet paper tubes often are made out of recycled paper already, and I understand that you can’t recycle paper infinitely – at some point, it just becomes un-re-recyclable, so to say.

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      1. I wonder if you could make something like that out of grass cuttings? Then there would be a valid reason for grass. But maybe thats a bad thing..

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        1. No, a valid reason for grass still needs to be found out. I mean, it probably produces oxygen, but whatever.

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          1. I suppose some animals eat the stuff, but thats not really an excuse to have it in the garden.

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          2. Motion carried. Grass will be banned in all urban and suburban areas. Make it so..

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  2. The one post that gets to the bottom of the subject at hand. Good stuff.

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    1. Haha, excellently said! Sometimes it feels good to write about a shitty subject 😮

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  3. Tony Burgess said it the best 🙂.
    The empty rolls/tubes go to recycling here too. When I was a kid, in the school I went to, there weren’t rolls. The paper came in squares, but that was only in the school … very thin, little squares. Gawd, haven’t thought about that since I was seven or eight.

    All the brands they have here, and the TV-commercials, it’s unbelievable. The brand “Cashmere”, for example, they have a commercial where they have made all kinds of fancy women’s dresses out of that paper tissue. It’s expensive, and thick as a blanket. So is the kitten-brand, Royal something.

    I buy the cheapest one they have in Costco; Swan.

    Wouldn’t that be nice, if you got that job back again?!

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    1. 😀 Rebekah, you must be in North America — I go through the same “struggles”. I love the Costco toilet paper too! (too much fuss for nothing on the other ones)

      Mara, you need to go ask for that job back 😉

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      1. Yes, I’m here in Canada … since twelve years now. I bought a few rolls of Cashmere once, to see what all the fuss was about. I was not hooked LOL

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      2. I’m so spoilt from my job with the nice restroom and toilet paper that from now on, I’ll be probably considering jobs based on the quality of restrooms on the premises. These little things are somehow of big importance to me.

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    2. Oh yes, the squares! Some public facilities distribute two squares in exchange for fee for using the bathroom. It’s ridiculously useless. Fortunately, I have carry paper tissues on me for all kinds of uses in emergency 😮

      I like it when the paper isn’t too thin, I’m quite a connoisseur… But it doesn’t need to be too fancy, it’s not like you’re not going to throw it out after one use anyway.

      I can’t believe we’re discussing toilet paper… But then, why not…

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      1. Yeah, why not?! LOL

        I’ve been to one place like that, where you paid a fee in exchange for a few squares. That was in Helsinki.

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        1. I should probably change my blog’s tagline to “I blog about crap. Literally.”

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          1. LOL!!! We’re going to the bottom of things …

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    3. We had those thin squares in my school too. Ick! Have you ever made a TP dress? It’s something we do around here at bridal showers…we make wedding dresses with the stuff.

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      1. I didn’t know that 🙂 Only seen those dresses in the Cashmere commercial LOL

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        1. Oh my… I Googled the Cashmere commercial – so weird.

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          1. Yeah. But once, they had a song that was so damned good so I saved the YouTube link somewhere. It was a beautiful song about petals, made specifically for Cashmere!

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          2. A song made specifically for toilet paper? Hm…

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          3. It’s such a beautiful song … I ‘ll find it …

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          4. Seen it and listened to it in your post 😉 A nice one. Somewhat spoilt for me by the toilet paper associations…

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      2. We don’t waste TP on dresses or on TPing houses, which I understand is a thing that people do as a practical joke or what? Different culture! But I’m not against a TP dress, if made out of premium toilet paper 🙂 With kitten print on in, preferably.

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        1. I’ve never TP’d a house. If I were going to vandalize one, I’d use egg. 😉

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          1. Haha 😀 I won’t tell.

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  4. Oh my Lord !!! Toilet paper! I remember using outside toilets where the only toilet paper was cut up squares of newspaper that you had to rub between your hands to soften it up before you could use it. Of course it turned your hands and – um, derriere – black from the ink. And in Manila there was NEVER any toilet paper or hand washing facilities in the public loos. Some of the loos were in a corner of staff kitchens in office buildings 😦 At the airport I was handed ONE square of single ply paper at the entrance by a fierce looking woman who I didn’t dare ask for more !

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    1. Oh dear! You have some stories to tell! Thank you for sharing. Now I appreciate quality restrooms even more. Even the fact that there are restrooms at all.

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      1. Manila was horrid in that respect 😦 The footpaths were used as toilets – had to watch where you stepped…. My husband’s experience in Dubai airport was even worse. He had to use one of those hole in the ground toilets. His wallet – passport, money, credit cards – all went in the hole. He had no choice but to dig it out 😦

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        1. Now that’s a story that trumps it all! I hope your husband has successfully recovered from his experience and wasn’t traumatised for life. (I probably would be, though of course I’d do the same to retrieve my possessions.)

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          1. It was a looong time ago – he can laugh about it now but still shudders in horror at the thought 😦

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          2. I would probably punctuate this comment with a poop emoji, if I knew how to type such a thing 😮

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          3. It’s a worthy thought !

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  5. I remember the squares of toilet paper in school … pull out one and a huge wad would fall on the floor. Or so many would have been jammed into the dispenser, trying to pull one out only resulted in tiny bits and pieces getting torn off.

    I developed a whole new appreciation for toilet paper and washrooms in general when we climbed Kilimanjaro. Seven days without any facilities and an increasingly angry GI tract was a humbling experience and one I’m not likely to ever forget!!

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    1. (Not so) happy memories! I know what you mean. Jammed toilet paper is just as bad as no toilet paper. I’m happy to hear that I’m not alone in my appreciation of basic things, like the toilet paper and nice restrooms. Now, that’s quite an achievement though, to have climbed Kilimanjaro! Probably worth going without facilities for a week.

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      1. After a while you don’t really care that there aren’t any toilets … but then feel ridiculously happy afterwards when there is one – especially if paper is provided.
        Funny – “paper provided” still makes me ridiculously happy 🙂

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        1. That’s the best thing – to be deprived of the usual comforts and conveniences only for a short while so that you appreciate it more afterwards. It’s probably not so great to be deprived of these conveniences forever.

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  6. I’m a Charmin girl. I hate all the other kinds.

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    1. Charmin looks nice. Don’t think it’s sold at places where I shop, but looks similar to my preferred brand. We’re having some dirty discussion here 😮

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        1. You’re right, clean, actually!

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  7. I once worked at a high class hotel (I’ve worked at two of them actually) and they had really fancy toilet paper. It was soft and comfortable and you didn’t even have to tear.

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    1. You’ll never find the cheap cardboard/sandpaper mixture versions of toilet paper in my home. My ass deserves the best.

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      1. I take pride in providing comfort for my asshole.

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        1. If my anus is happy, I am happy.

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          1. I read your enthusiastic toilet paper comments in the morning in bed and it was a very fun way to start the day. I could totally visualise you in a TP commercial. Like, badass guys need to take good care of their asses. Cashmere, making your ass happy since [ insert year ] . Ha.

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          2. My rectum is getting a fine-ass treatment.

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          3. What I like about blogging is that you get to discuss what you do to your ass with random strangers 😮

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