I can do it. But I don't feel like it.

I can do it. But I don’t feel like it.

By virtue of the negative operator not, I can blog about, instead what I hated the least, what I hated the most today and still comply with the format of my challenge. Neat, not? I’ve blog-ranted about my hatred for pigeons before and, in the last paragraph of my post, asked, in all seriousness, for pigeon poop removal tricks. Now, it occurred to me that I’d rather go to the source, so I’m asking for pigeon removal tricks.

The trouble with pigeons it, among other things, that they desecrate my terrace to an indecent degree (I know about degrees, I have three) like they have no better job to do (I don’t know about jobs, I have none). The results of their ravage are impossible to remove by conventional means. So I got me a badass scrubbing brush (and haven’t used it yet, but now that I have it, I could). Instead, I painted my nails duo colour (like I have no better job to do).


* The rest of this post contains a denouement (of sorts), but is so disgusting that you’ll want to pass (if not pass out). *


While waiting for my nails to dry (while my feet were freezing off, as I painted my toes as well), I noticed that my (landlord’s) terrace prides itself in a brand new poop acquisition. It was such a severe case that it collaterally splashed on the glass door in proximity (if you’re queasy, I assure you I’m too, but the pigeon didn’t double check with my feelings). The most interesting characteristics of my new terrace branding was not so much the violet colour of the poop, as the fact that it contained five cherry stones.

It means that 1) there are cherries somewhere already! 2) pigeons are really like winged rats, as they were called in one discussion forum for pigeon removal, because they apparently devour anything. I researched into means of pigeon repelling but didn’t find anything suitable. I was however greatly (greatly inappropriately) amused when reading about a pigeon repellent device that gives the bastards electrical shocks. I am very mean when it comes to pigeons. Or I’m just mean.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

25 Comments

  1. Jessie Martinovic 16/06/2016 at 3:26 am

    This is brilliant. No word of a lie, today is my day off and I’ve actually planned to take photos of birdshit on the footpath, because I think it looks like paintings . Maybe your pigeons (rats) are creating art for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Awesome! If I didn’t hate pigeon poop so much, I would probably try to steal the idea from you 😮 Nice bird poop does look like art – but the canvas of my terrace is too much for my conventional taste…

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      1. Jessie Martinovic 17/06/2016 at 12:54 am

        ha-ha!

        Liked by 1 person

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  2. Are you allowed to install a very fine screen or netting to keep them out? Otherwise, I recommend a BB Gun. Damn nasty birds, they are like giant flies, complete with all the disease. Sorry you have to deal with them.

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    1. If I lived in the countryside, I’d be able to grab a BB gun for sure, but in the town, it’s not a good idea… The trouble is that though there are some solutions, none of them is suitable for my specific case – I live in a rented flat where I might be told to move out any time, so I’m unwilling to dish out money for any sophisticated pigeon scaring device. I’ll probably try talking to my landlord, but why would he care, right. Well, I guess there are worse things than pigeon poop (like no Wi-Fi 😉 )…

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      1. He should care as the bird poop is acidic which can damage buildings. And it looks like poop too. Place some yummy disguised poison out for them.

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        1. True. Poop looks like poop 😉 You’re reading my mind, the thought occurred that I could poison the pigeons, but I don’t think it’s legal.

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          1. Probably not. Another choice for you might be to place a spike strip on top of the landing areas they most like.

            They can’t land once the spikes are in place. Marinas use them to keep Pelicans and other poop factories at bay. 💩

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          2. Why, thank you for sending me a poop emoticon, it’s not like I don’t have enough shit around 😮 Spikes sound lovely if you want your habitation to look like a military fortress.

            Liked by 1 person

          3. LOL I suppose it would. oops.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Well I would think you are in a life long battle.There are a lot of pigeons out there and as you deter one he has a million mates ready to zoom into any space you may have created. I understand the irksome nature of the beast but it seems they are a plight on our lives and whilst I don’t have the problem you appear to have I can understand you feeling somewhat violated by having them consistently poo on your terrace. Good luck and may you into old age still write humourously about your desire to be rid of them. Imagine what the are blogging about you on their “pigeons are us” blog site.

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    1. You are very right. It’s a lifelong battle which is lost for me… It’s kind of you to tolerate the nature of the pigeon, which I’m incapable to do. I do blame them! 😮 I nevertheless hope that I shall be able to hate them for long and prosper and blog about it.

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      1. Well that is a positive way of looking at it Mara…you’ll have no shortage of subjects as there seems to be a never ending supply of pigeons.

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    1. Steel defender bird spikes ❤ I should probably talk to someone about my violent tendencies against birds.

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      1. No, I think its quite normal, if you start shooting them from your terrace with an AK47, thats maybe not so normal..

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        1. Cool. I’m not in possession of an AK47, so the best I could do is a slingshot.

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          1. The ammunition is a lot cheaper for one of them

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear them cooing as I type. The lady next door has put up some kind of plastic spiral, all around the railing of her balcony. That only seems to attract more pigeons. They’re fluttering around her balcony as if they wanted to punish her. They’re not that smart, though, like other birds.

    Nice, duo-coloured finger nails 🙂. Are the toes also duo-coloured?

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    1. Please give my deepest commiserations to the lady next door. She’s probably as desperate as me. My problem is in proportion to the size of my terrace, which is large – not my choice, it just is so because it’s the top floor – so it’s an ordeal to clean the whole thing.

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      1. Luckily ours are really small. I’ve never seen her, it’s rather odd.

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        1. I’ve never seen two of my three neighbours on the floor…

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    2. Oh, and, of course, my toes are also duo colour… OCD.

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  5. Good luck! I expect, like Michael says, you will still be writing about this scourge in your dotage. On the bright side, you can continue to paint you nails,experimenting with different colour combinations, and maybe even emulating pigeon art 🙂

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    1. Thank you for commiserating! Yes, you’re right, like Michael, that it’s a struggle for life. But you’re also right that there’s a bright side, like my bright new nails 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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