I’ve been practising yoga at home half-heartedly for a year and vigorously for the last three months. I devised a strictly anti-zen branch of yoga, which has the same postures minus the spiritualism. In yoga according to Mara, it’s essential for the yogi not to enjoy herself and to persist in practice solely to prove herself that she can.

In keeping with my perception of yoga as homework, today I made a video of my workout so that I could check how wrong exactly I’m doing it and adjust my asanas accordingly. I think my home video deserves an Academy Award for the comedy of the year. While I’m not going to share the video, I took a few screenshots to show you how it’s not done.

Most Messed Up Poses

 

Less Messed Up Poses

 

My Workout Model Video

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

43 Comments

  1. I was following that yoga video on youtube. I didn’t get to Day 2.

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    1. No point pressing yourself if it’s not for you! I’ve been taking the 30 day challenge since January and I’m halfway through because I usually repeat one video for a week or so. I’m thorough 😉

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      1. I’d like to do it..I’m just not very disciplined…lol

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        1. I’m not disciplined either but I’m morbidly stubborn. Once I start something, I usually unreasonably persist.

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  2. These are great. At first I read that you had to adjust your ananas (I have no idea why they call it pineapple in English. The majority of the world calls it ananas). Obviously asanas is a fruit that I know nothing about… 😀

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    1. Yoga pants? Yes, because yoga pants.

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      1. Yoga pants don’t need adjusting either. That’s the charm of them. I do yoga only so I could legitimately wear yoga pants at all times.

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        1. That’s definitely a valid argument.

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    2. Ha 😀 ! My ananas doesn’t need adjusting, but my yoga positions do. I was being smartass with sanskrit, the language of yoga, in which “asanas” mean postures. Now that you reminded me of ananas though, I can’t sleep trying to figure out why anyone would see ananas as a “pine” and “apple” combo.

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      1. Exactly! It must have been some freaky fucking apples back in the day when some dork came up with the term pineapples…

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        1. And now I’ll have very graphic nightmares about fruits and trees making out.

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  3. That’s fabulous. So you’re now sort of a pro minus the spiritualism. Truly enjoyed it.

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    1. A pro? Uhm, have you seen my interpretation of the one-legged dog? No way pro. It’s owing to you that I forced myself do yoga – and I’m genuinely glad that you convinced me. The zen part of it is not my thing, but the exercise part is doing me a good service. So, thanks to you!

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      1. Well, it wasn’t bad. You should see how most people do it in class.
        I’m so happy that I influenced you positively. Someone else did the same to me. So I’m even! 😉

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        1. Good, so debts are paid now 🙂 One of the reasons why I do yoga at home is that I want to be able to try things out without fearing that people around me will be dying of laughter.

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          1. Yep! All settled. I wouldn’t worry about others. My experience is that nobody cares and doesn’t pay attention on anyone but the instructor. Generally we choose a mat close to someone we know is good, so we can look at the person, in case we cannot see the teacher so well. People who do yoga seems to behave better! 😉

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          2. I’d be afraid to go to a public yoga class not only because I look ridiculous while practising but mostly because I’m so unzen – I fear other yogis would find me an imposter 😮

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          3. Maybe they are imposters too! 😱😉

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          4. I doubt that, actually. There have been new very zen posters appearing around my town recently, probably advertising yoga classes, but hard to say, the posters are too zen to be clear about what they advertise. I fear a zen invasion.

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          5. Haha, a zen invasion? That would be interesting, as at least we guess they aren’t dangerous. Keep me posted. Cheers.

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          6. Will do! Cheers 🙂

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  4. I enjoyed the post itself, but I don’t know how you can do it! Does it make you feel better? Like the Cardinal, I too read “ananas” first LOL

    Congrats to the 100th 🙂

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    1. No ananases or pineapples here 😀 ! I got a bit taken away with the one word in sanskrit that I know – asanas are yoga positions.

      I hate to admit it, but yoga is doing all the good to me in terms of strength, balance (I mean physical balance, such as when everyone is swaying on the bus and I contrive to stand firmly on the floor) and pain relief (surprisingly good for back pain). Mostly though, I keep on doing it out of stubbornness.

      While I don’t recommend trying it, I won’t force it on anyone, you would be probably surprised how convoluted positions you can do even with zero practice – one goes into those positions very slowly, so unless you faceplant, you could actually find yourself holding some twisted pose without realising how you got in there 😮

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      1. It has almost piqued my interest now. Does it do anything to you mind? 🙂

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        1. Oh no, don’t let the yogi get you! 😉 Here’s the first video I started with: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7AYKMP6rOE. Pretty straightforward, nothing too much or too difficult to do. I actively resist all mind manipulation techniques, such as therapy or yoga, but now you made me admit that yoga does make me feel a bit calmer and more relaxed also mentally. Don’t tell anyone.

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          1. My lips are sealed LOL

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          2. Now I’ve watched the video. It was nice. I could probably do this. I think I need to be alone if/when I do it LOL

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          3. Yes, I also liked this video as an introduction into yoga – nothing I couldn’t do and yet it did help me feel physically better. You’ll see if it will be your thing or not 🙂 Totally agreed though that you need to be home alone for the practice so that no one except your cat could give you judging looks…

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          4. Yes, I don’t even think I could do it if I was in another room with the door closed …

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  5. I do yoga at home too. Found this great site eckhart yoga. They have a few clips on YouTube but the good stuff is on their website.

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    1. Oh, a fellow home yogi! Nice 🙂 The Ekhart site looks good! The thing is I’m not going to pay for my yoga practice at this point – though I did try several sites, I always find myself ending up with Adriene, who has enough free stuff on her YouTube channel. I guess I like her style the most. She’s quite slow-paced, which I prefer.

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      1. I tried a bunch of them and eckhart combines mindfulness and yoga. Which is something that I really need 🙂

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        1. Oh I see! I admit I’m more into the workout part than the mindfulness part. It’s actually great that there’s something about yoga for people of all tempers.

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  6. LOL this was a really funny post Mara. Good for you!

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    1. I’m happy to share the entertainment that I had while watching my ridiculous attempts at yoga 😀 The video served its purpose though, I now have a much clearer idea of what I need to work on.

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      1. Haha! So it was entertaining and useful!

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        1. It was! 😀 I might do it again at some point.

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  7. I think most things in life are about attitude and if yours is to NOT enjoy and you succeeded then you are on a winner Mara…..my Dr suggested I exercise as a way of controlling my cholesterol and I said I do and its still high….sigh……but we do what we can in the hope that tomorrow we get to see the dawn, get ourselves upright and step forward into the day……good luck to you I say…..

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    1. Now you exposed me – or I exposed myself, rather – I cultivate a thoroughly negative attitude to very much everything. I’m getting to master the art, I think. Sorry to hear that your exercise didn’t do anything to help you. I’m happy (= I hate the least) to report that my exercise is actually proving helpful.

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  8. Your omnipresent cat seemed to be very cat curious about the yoga video. Perhaps it will join you for some cat asanas ? I have seen dogs doing such things with their humans.

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  9. Laura - CaledonAcres 12/04/2016 at 9:00 pm

    I love the idea of yoga lol I tried it so many times and gave up just as many times!! I paid for it too, thinking if I spent money I’ll be more motivated… nope. I saved the video you posted and let’s see how far I’ll get with it hahahahaha

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    1. I see what you mean, I’ve had lots of false starts too. Then I somehow got hooked. It’s probably owing to my stubbornness. I need to prove to myself that I can learn to do the postures. I’m a huge fan of Adriene’s yoga videos, I think they’re excellent for beginners in particular. She’s quite a fun person too 😀

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