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I’ve been sober for so long that if I attended Alcoholics Anonymous, I’d surely earn some sobriety badge. My tea-totalling (coffee-totalling) stint didn’t spring from asceticism or masochism, but from a regrettable incident in which my corkscrew broke. It split into two when I was using it to open a bottle of wine, which is shocking, because the corkscrew was clearly a fashionable decorative item and wasn’t intended to be used.

This happy day, though, I received a package from the shop where I bought the poor late corkscrew (RIP) and where I complained of the poor quality of their products and threatened to sue for psychological trauma (no, I didn’t), and the package contained a new corkscrew. What a delight! I purchased a bottle of wine for meal tickets (I didn’t, but poetic licence) and tested the new arrival. It worked.

I spent the evening sipping a lovely glass of pink wine which cost more than it should but was totally worth it. I went to bed almost happy (I’m never happy, but it was a near miss), and I dreamt that I killed two people. (I hope I dreamt it.) One with a hammer, another with a sword (!). I wasn’t much upset about the atrocity of the crimes as rather about my lack of ideas where to dump the bodies. I shouldn’t drink before bed. That, or I shouldn’t watch crime series.

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Posted by Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

25 Comments

  1. Wow! You’ve been sober since the corkscrew story?! I do appreciate the feeling, though. As I’ve said before, I quit altogether 1993. I liked it too much, besides I’d already drunk my life’s quota … or many lifetime’s 🙂

    I remember in the 80’s I was studying German as an adult student. The night before an exam I drank several bottles of Kir (!), had terrible nightmares about rivers full of body parts, but excelled on the exam LOL

    Used to like a pink wine too; Matteus, but I never sipped one glass … rather several bottles. I can never do anything with moderation.

    Glad you got a new corkscrew!

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    1. Uh, well, I haven’t been completely sober since the corkscrew incident, I had an occasional drink of slivovitz or fancy rum, and once I tried wine – I opened it with scissors and it was a horrible mess. Wine everywhere.

      I didn’t try drinking before exams, I was usually on brain stimulants before exams. But drinking is sometimes my sleeping pill, which I shouldn’t really say. I don’t know moderation either, so it was only with great effort that I had just one glass! It helped that the wine was expensive.

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      1. Don’t you have any wine with screw cap there? LOL Do they all have cork? I could never do the one glass thing, I rather stay off it then, because I didn’t want to start the process in my mind. Gawd, I’m glad I’m off it. Have you had Matteus?

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        1. We do have screw caps, but they’re always on the wine which I don’t want. Huh. I never had Matteus yet but the bottle already looks enchanting! Down on my wish list…

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          1. It’s from Portugal. Highly recommended !

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  2. Best line …. “I hope I dreamt it” bwahahaha!!

    Long live the corkscrew! 🙂

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    1. The corkscrew is dead, long live the corkscrew, yes! I hope I won’t find out that I’m a sleepwalker and actually a murderous monster.

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      1. Yes, that would certainly ruin an otherwise perfectly good day :/

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  3. i have similar dreams…and now i’m addicted to “Fringe” which isn’t helping anything!

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    1. I’m actually relieved that I’m not the only person who has murderous dreams. Maybe I should be scared rather than relieved… 🙂

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  4. The crime series do it to me. Maybe after the wine, and the show, we need to take the corkscrew to bed with us for protection. Of course, then if you kill someone with it you have to prove it was self defense.

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    1. Haha, I don’t think I should take any possibly murderous weapons to bed, I could murder myself by accident… I watched another detective series before bed today and had no dreams that I could remember. How disappointing. I was wondering if the violence would escalate… 😮

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  5. Yaaaaaay! Glad you finally got a new corkscrew. Hopefully it lasts longer than its predecessor. 🙂

    I may not have had wine today, but wine coolers are the next best thing. And after this morning, I definitely needed one. Or fifty.

    You know. Whichever. 😉 🙂

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    1. Wine coolers are lovely during the day. And then the real thing in the evening… Stay safe (not necessarily sober) 😉

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      1. Indeed. Too bad drinking on the job is frowned upon; it would have made the workday much more interesting.

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        1. Lucky me who works from home and can therefore work drunk. I could, but I don’t really…

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          1. I think I would like to work from home. But with a house full of children, I doubt I’d get much actual work done.

            Now, if I won the lotto, that would be a different story… *scampers off to buy lotto tickets* 🙂

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          2. Haha 😀 Working from home is harder than it seems, given that no one actually forces you to work…

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          3. And therein lies the problem. I used to be very self-motivated, but now the only motivation I seem able to find is for things like staying in bed all day with a book.

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          4. Yes. I find motivation the hardest thing… *sigh*

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          5. It (and being a reaponsible adult) is completely overrated.

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  6. In our house we have many corkscrews. My husband lives to collect them to open endless bottles of wine. our corkscrew will outlive us i’m sure, as winemaker seem to be turning to using ordinary bottle tops. Sacrilege!

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    1. Actually, I appreciate screw caps, as not as it’s not done to a good wine for archiving, for example. But now that I have a new corkscrew, I’ll make sure to use it a lot 🙂 I’m all for minimalism, so I preferred to get without one rather than buying a spare one.

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