Love–Hate Declarations in Marriage

My husband and I are possibly the most cynical couple ever. If there was any romance at the start of our relationship, ten plus years together and a marriage as the culmination of our first five-year-plan transformed the romantic into the sardonic. To prevent boredom, we have introduced variants of the clichéd “I love you” phrase to use amongst ourselves for amusement. Here they come, along with a list of most common situations calling for the employment of this or that love declaration.

  • I love you but—. This is the most universal confession of an undying love for your partner that would go on if said partner: didn’t forget to pick up the kid from the kindergarten / didn’t undress with his eyes a random fake blond with fake everything / didn’t switch off the heating that you just switched on because you don’t care that it’s damned summer because you’re freaking freezing.
  • I hate you, I hate you so much. This heartfelt ejaculation is suitable for especially heinous crimes, including your partner: occupying the bathroom for two hours because he’s reading while doing his business / playing the TV incredibly loud for the benefit of all TV-less homeless persons in the neighbourhood / leaving his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor like you’re a hotel room service.
  • My mother told me right to marry John next door. John next door is a shortcut for a prince charming in a white Lamborghini whose only shortcoming is that he is not. The actual john who lived next door to me apparently dropped from high school, got a girl next door in trouble and is currently serving time for a particularly aggravated crime. Since my husband is aware of none of the above, John next door still constitutes a valid argument.
  • Who are you and what did you do to my husband? My husband possesses the following qualities: hair / a high degree of tolerance of pets and smokers / a vaguely athletic stature / certainly some other good things that are not apparent from our wedding photo that I’m using for reference. The stranger who masquerades as my husband has: no hair / zero cat hair tolerance / a well-rounded to obese figure. Something somewhere clearly went astray.

marriage (1)

  • I’ll return you to the seller because I still have the receipt. *waving the marriage licence* Nothing scares my husband so much as the threat that I’ll return him from where I took him in the first place. Nothing delights my mother-in-law so much as the prospect that I’ll return her eldest to the nest from where I lured him by intrigue and the promise of hot dinners. Though I recently checked my marriage wows and confirmed that no free food, hot or cold, was included in the bargain.
  • Your wife has it tough with you. Whoever your wife is, she has my high respect and deep admiration for the heroic feat of putting up with a partner who is so demanding that he: expects that the wife responds to his requests immediately and not within the usual ten working days / wants the wife to take interest in his wishes as though she’s Santa Claus or Father Frost / gets upset when his wife pretends in public she doesn’t even know him. Ridiculously unreasonable demands, I say.
  • I can’t see how someone could marry you. It remains a puzzling mystery how any woman would voluntarily marry a man whose chief characteristic are: grumpiness / stubbornheadedness / general unbearability and whose hobbies include: giving death stares / travelling hundreds miles for the sole purpose of planespotting / laughing with disconcerting pleasure at practical prank videos. The only plausible explanation of this man’s marriage so far is that the bride was insane.
  • I’ll miss you when we divorce. This is somewhat romantically exaggerated because I certainly wouldn’t miss the whole of my partner as rather some of his more commendable qualities, including: his cooking / his cooking / his cooking. Of course, my partner would miss me in my entirety because: I’m small, so there’s not much of me anyway / that’s how awesome I am / also, that’s how sardonic I am, me, queen sardonica. Ha!

Author: Mara Eastern

I'm a sardonic blogger, snapper, scribbler and rhymer; a virtual space invader who indulges in cheerful negativism, morbid self-deprecation and bleak humour.

33 thoughts

  1. Your getting very good at blotching out or fading or whatever the technical term is, your face, body and the rest lol, certainly some talent you are perfecting there. Well I resonate and have used most of what you have said above for the exact reasons multiple that you have written them, did you come over here and plant a camera or something, or have I just revealed myself to be a bad person for admitting such behaviour and you were having a big joke? 😀 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, thank you for the compliment about blotching out my botched face 🙂 I’m running out of photos of my shoes and hands and other unrecognisable bodily parts and I thought of a photo of my husband and me kissing at a romantic spot in our country capital would fit the post…

      Also, thank you, thank you very much for your support of my “husband-hating” post! I was trying to be funny but obviously I was serious. As anyone with a husband will know! 😉 I surely like my husband but at times he annoys me to the point of murder. *shock* :-O

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved this one immensely and laughing at the same time,will store all these ideas for future ! You echo the thoughts of a woman with feminine wisdom 😛


    1. Thank you so much for reading! I’m glad that you found some bits of truth in there 😉 Relationships are obviously hard, so we can either get angry, or, preferably, poke fun at ourselves…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes,I too have a problem in temper control but few days back,I decided to try the other way,surprisingly,its not so bad till now 🙂 Its not so painful even to me then it was before !


  3. I waited eagerly all afternoon to read this after I saw the tweet announcing it… and it was well worth the wait….painfully close to the truth for all of us in many many ways, yet again you have hit the spot Mara…Now I’m going to read it over again… x


    1. Oh my, I feel like a superstar writer whose long anticipated book was just released and people are queueing in shops to get it — like iPhone and Harry Potter… Thank you for making me see how it’s like. And thank you for reading. This is obviously written from a woman’s perspective, I’d be very curious to see how man would see the same things. It’d be interesting to find out what annoys men the most about their wives!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Hahaha! Very, very funny, Mara! Loved this… and it is so true! Made me laugh! HH is actually a bit of a saint to put up with me sometimes, but then, that goes both ways. But, coming up on 30 years now, I don’t expect either one of us is going anywhere soon. Except maybe to the cupboard for more beernuts…


    1. What a lovely thing to say! I’m pleased to hear that your marital struggle is going on fine and that you don’t fight over beernuts 😉 Thirty years is quite an achievement, maybe I’ll sometime come to you for advice! Marriage makes saints. Nicely put.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This was such a fun post to read! Your cliches ring “truth” on so many levels. I love your sardonic sense of humor!! My love-hate marital relationship skewed towards the right of the bell curve, and for my situation “I will not miss you when we divorce”.


    1. Ah, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But if a relationship doesn’t work, it’s obviously better for the couple to part. Yes, I guess I was writing cliches here, but that’s what my husband does — he’s a very cliched husband! We’re not experiencing a too happy time together at the moment, so I’m trying to make fun of it to make things bearable. Thank you for stopping by, and all the best!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good point–the dog won’t sleep on them there … See, that is a logical, coherent reason to not leave my clothes on the bathroom floor. That’s all a guy needs, logic.


        1. Perfect! I’m all for logic, but it seems that my competitor, ehm, my husband, has a different kind of logic… I’m very pleased by your eventual compliance on the issue of where to put one’s clothes 😉


  6. hahahaha … sounds like you have a very normal marriage 🙂

    I thought I was the only woman who would happily smother her husband in his sleep for the sin of having the TV TOOOOO LOUD!!


    1. Smothering the husband for playing TV too loud is justifiable homicide. All jurors who have ever been married would acquit you for this crime… I’m very very happy to hear that I have a normal marriage though. After I compiled this post, I was wondering if my marriage was on the brink of divorce.


Say what?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.